Best Friends

over the last 18 years of my life.
i've really started to learn what a friend is.
and i wish i would have learned sooner.
and sometimes i wish i would have learned it easier, too.

but you know everyone really has to have a bad friend before they know what it's like to have a good friend. truth is: people are going to walk into your life.
and more often than not, they'll slam the door on the way out.
they won't apologize.
they won't ask if you're okay.
and they won't be there for you when you really need them most.

some will stay for a long time.
and others not so much.
it's funny though, you know?
because what i've started to learn... is that the more bad friends i have... the better friend *I* become for others.

but i really think people should start learning what a friend is.
i guess i've just started to realize how much people sell themself short.
they let people claim that they're friends with them, when they're not.
i know what it's like to have pity friends.
and i know that sometimes, it just feels nice to pretend someone's there.
but in the long run you only wind up being reminded of how alone you felt in the first place.

nothing makes me more sick than people being constantly used, put down, backstabbed, let down or hurt by their "best friend".
losing people isn't easy you know.
and i guess i've learned the hard way.

i think the best feeling is having friends that are always there.
friends that you know you can say anything to at anytime and they will listen.
your stories can be told over a thousand times and they will still listen
and care, too.

i think best friends are people you can confide in.
someone you can say anything to and at the end of the day
they will still take you for who you are.

i think best friends are people who will always forgive you when you say you're sorry
and i think best friends are people who know when you mean it, too.

i think friends are people who know you're not okay by the way you are speaking.
but i think best friends are people who know you're not okay when you're not saying anything at all.

best friends are people who know about all of your struggles and worries.
they are people who don't tell you how to get through them,
because they are right there going through them with you.

no matter how long it takes.

best friends are people who don't just listen to everything you say.
they listen to everything you don't say, too.
which i think sometimes means more.

i think best friends are people who won't leave you or get mad at you
even when you make the same mistakes over and over again
even when they say, "i told you so."

i think best friends will be there every time after you make a mistake.
even if it is just to say, "i told you so." one more time.

for me,
friends are really really important.

in the past i didn't have very many.
so when i did, it was the most comforting thing to know i had someone just to listen.

what i've learned is that i really don't need one hundred friends to be happy.
even just one.

i think if you have just ONE friend that is there for you no matter what.
if you have just one friend that is good enough to be there for you even after saying,
"i told you so." or, "you said you wouldn't do that anymore."

then i really think you've got it all.

burned bridges and the spaces between

i haven't written anything on here in almost three months.
wow.
i really don't like that.

the reason i haven't...
is because i get all of these ideas on what i want to write about
but i never know where i want to start.

not only do i struggle with saying what i want to say...
but i also struggle with knowing how to say it.
when it comes to writing, i am a perfectionist.

anyone who knows me well enough knows that when it comes to writing i am obsessed.
i don't stop writing something until i have filled a page, made my point clear, or have everything perfect.

i think the one thing i've really wanted to write about for the longest time is learning how to accept things you can't change.
i think there is nothing harder than accepting something you can't change and knowing when it's time to walk away.

you can't keep someone in your life if they don't want to stay.
if your bridge with them is burned and they don't want to rebuild
you can't make them.

i think the worst part of letting go of someone is feeling like you weren't worth it for them to stay.
the worst part is when they know you want them to stay, and they see you hurting
and they keep going.

they leave you.
and for the last few months i've spent so much time writing and writing and finding the right words to say to people to make them change their minds and to make them stay.
to make them fix things and make things how they used to be.

and i can't begin to count how many times i have heard,
"you will find someone else."
"the bridge is burned and can't be built again."

but i don't want some else.
and i know the bridge is burned.

and in the same moment i realized i realized i need to let go
i realized the burned bridge had gone and now there is just a space between.

speak now

“Real life is a funny thing you know. In real life saying the right thing, at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything.
I think you deserved to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, I could of but it’s too late now. So there’s a time for silent, and there a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say. You’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait.
I think you should speak now.”

- Taylor Swift

for the first time in my entire life

my definition of "Fearless" had been achieved

a borderline tell-all handwritten letter had been given

writing it was easy, it finally made me feel like i was speaking my mind.

giving it away was scary, the 3 seconds it took me to scribble a name in green sharpie on the front of the envelope was the scariest.

but the scariest and most exhilarating feeling was that the person it was meant for read it.

for the first time i wrote someone who meant something to me a letter

and it wasn't crumpled up and thrown in the back of my closet

or folded neatly and placed into a shoe box.

for me, the hardest lesson i've learned over this last year

is to never let a chance pass you to tell someone how much they mean to you

no matter how much it scares you

or no matter what they might say or do

tell them.

of course the dreaded fear of...

what will they say back?

will they say anything at all?

more often than not you will regret the things you didn't say to someone instead of the things you did.

eventually, one way or another it will come down to you saying...

"I could have told them...but now it's too late."

for the first time i did just that.

and maybe it didn't end the way i always exactly pictured something like that ending.

it could have been better

but it could have also been much much worse.

no matter the outcome

i don't regret it

and i know i would have regret saying nothing at all

so as Taylor Swift as said....

"...if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say. You’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait. I think you should speak now.”

out of reach

can someone please tell me
that i'm not the only person that only wants someone or something they can't have?
especially wanting someone you can't have.

but with both things.

you know you can't.
they have told you.
or you have been told.

but you keep chasing.
you keep chasing someone you'll never catch.
something you'll never get.

people will roll their eyes at me
"You can't have him"
"you can't have that"
but i keep chasing.

sitting. waiting. wishing.

maybe that's just something about me.
i hate when people give up on me so soon.
and i hate when i give up on people.
i keep waiting for a change that won't come.

and isn't it just the worst when either one are just out of reach?
at one point in time, you could have had them. or it. or whatever it is.
but you missed it.

people want you.
they stand there and say so.
or show they do.
and they stand and wait.
even if for a short time.
practically holding their hand out to you saying,
"come on, let's go"

and you sit around wondering if you should go.
and by the time you decide you want to.

they've left.

Imperfection

so it's clearly been awhile since i have used my blog
and several people have been asking why
and to answer your question:
it is because i've been struggling as a writer to get my points across as well as i used to

after tossing and turning for a few weeks about what i want to write about
i think i have finally figured it out
after taking everything i want to say
and narrowing it down to what i want people to hear me say

i have come to this.
Perfection.

i'm in college now
well, a technical college.
and i'd hate to say it but all the changes i was promised

are not here.

it seems that no matter where i am
and no matter where i go
people continue to do their best at pointing out my insecurities

for starters, i am sure all of you who know me, or are friends with me on facebook...
are thinking "oh my gosh, Ashley is so negative"
maybe if you'd listen to what i am saying you'd understand why.

getting my hopes up never ends well
being realistic is considered being negative
not feeling anything at all is "not caring"

it's like i can't win.

no matter how i see or handle a situation...
someone always has something critical to say about how i'm doing it.
the saying "do your thing" and "be yourself" isn't so easy when everyone is breathing down your back.

so i don't take my own advice.
in fact, i barely take any.

i learn from my own mistakes. people can tell me not to do things one million times, and until i find out why i shouldn't ON MY OWN. i'll keep doing it.

it's that "you are purposely hurting yourself" thing...
you all know what i am talking about i am sure.

it's a little hard to be yourself when everybody is telling you and your friends who and what you are.

people always leave.
they find out my flaws.
they don't like them.
they leave.

i got a tattoo in august, it's a tattoo i have always wanted.
"Fearless" is what it says.
so many people have made the comment "that's pointless"
do you know what i love about it so much?

it will stay.

last time i heard, college was supposed to be about finding yourself.
and really all i've found is people who try to tell me who i am.
and who continuously point out what i was already told in high school.
and middle school.
and elementary school.

"So fix it:" they tell me.
they say "Take all the things people point out about you that you don't like...and change them."
and that's what i did.
or tried.

and after months and months of trying.
it's been confirmed that those flaws are still there.
those little things that bother people about me still exist.

"not everybody is going to like you for exactly who you are, ashley"

i don't want everybody, you guys.

i just want somebody.

Patience

patience is a weird thing you know.
something that typically i am not very good at.
for me, patience often means to wait to say something.

waiting my turn to speak has never been easy.
waiting to speak at all, actually.

i used to be one of the most straight forward people i knew.
i would tell someone how i felt about them within a few weeks.
maybe days.
and because of past experiences this year, i thought that i would be even more so like that.

wrong.

over the last few months i can confidently say...
i have become a professional at bottling up my feelings for someone.
i decided that this time, i would let people tell me how they felt instead of me doing the talking.
what i am finding is that i'm learning a lot about patience.
what i'm also finding is that i'm way more patient than i really am.

the thing is, for me...
feelings for people either weaken or strengthen.
and the more that time goes on... typically they get stronger.
but this time around for me...
after waiting this long to hear how someone feels about me...
because i have PROMISED i won't speak first...
i think they're weakening. the problem is.
i don't want them to.

but you know something?

 i'm over it.

an early farewell to high school

it's funny how not too long ago i was telling myself i wouldn't miss high school.
and in the big picture, i don't think i will.
i can't say i was ever treated the best.

and i can't say i got the best grades.
was on honor roll.
got awards.
was the superstar athlete.

in fact, i can't really say much at all.

but after a few months of finding new people to talk to.
and things to do.
i found myself with a group of new friends at a basketball game.

freshman and sophomore year i never went to a single game.
you couldn't pay me to go...
because i would have sat alone.

but with this year now that i've found a place. sort of.
i think i've started to realize something.

if you tell yourself you hate high school.
you will.

it takes so much less effort to just work with what you have than to fight trying to make things better.

i'm sure most of you read that thinking "Duh"

you'll never listen to any lessons people tell you, until you tell them to yourself.

if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

over these last few months i've started noticing all the GOOD things about high school.
and all of the other good things like new friends and the fun things we've done.

a few weeks ago, after a boys state basketball game someone was saying how fun our student section is.
and it really is the most fun place to be during a game.
i thought to myself "man. i can't wait until next year."
there isn't another year here for me.

teachers making announcements about sign ups for traveling abroad.
"sign me up!" i'll think. until i realize i won't be here.

and the few underclassmen i've friended, how i won't see them every day anymore.

so will i miss high school?

okay, maybe a little. :)

Invisible

Invisible is when someone in class says, “Hey, does anyone have a pen or pencil?” and I loudly and clearly say, “Yeah. Here, you can use mine.” And the person keeps searching for one and asking people.

Invisible is when I drop all my things in the hall and people keep walking, and even step on the things I dropped.

Invisible is when I don’t initiate conversation with anyone for a long time to see if they’ll notice, initiate conversation on their own… or wonder why…and they don’t.

Invisible is when I’m walking down the hallway crying and nobody asks what’s wrong.

Invisible is when I walk past some guy I like and smile and he keeps walking as if I didn’t acknowledge him either.

Invisible is when the guy I like knows I want to get to know him and talk to him, and instead, he makes an effort to do the exact opposite and distance himself and ignore me even more. (You know who you are.)

Invisible is when something is being passed around the classroom for students to see, and it isn’t passed to me. And then when I say, “I didn’t see it.” No one pays attention and keeps passing it around.

Invisible is when the group next to me is having a pretty open conversation that several are jumping into, and when I jump in and say something that could be a valid point, or something to go off of, and nobody even seems to hear me.

Invisible is when I’m telling a story to the teacher or class about something dealing with what we’re learning about, and people branch off into their own conversation and it seems as though I hear my own voice fade and feel like I’m talking to myself.

Invisible is when I’m gone for 3 days from a class, and when I ask the person who sits next to me, “Hey, what was the homework, and what did we go over?” and they say, “You were gone?”

Invisible is when every time I text someone just a simple, “Hey.” And they don’t reply. And even though of course this isn’t a big deal…it adds up.

Invisible is when I make a valid point in class, it’s disregarded, and then the person after me says the exact same thing and everyone says, “Oh! That’s a good point!”

Invisible is when people complain that I do things for attention, when in fact I’m just doing them because I want to. And with that being said, I think everyone does every thing for attention. Besides, if I really thought I got any positive attention, I don’t think I’d be posting this now.

Invisible is when I leave someone a voicemail and say, “…call me back!” and they don’t. They don’t even acknowledge that I called. Or sent a text like, “You called?” And I understand people are busy, and I understand the world doesn’t revolve around me. I’m talking about on multiple occasions for the same people. (You also know who you are.)

Invisible is when I finally bring up enough courage to talk to someone I want to get to know, and just as I’m about to do it, someone cuts me off and starts talking to them before I even finish my first word.

Invisible is wondering what the difference really would be if I was here or wasn't.

Or if people would notice.

That’s invisible.
That’s what it feels like.

Forward

Your mom hugs me as I walk into the front door of your home.
She tells me she knew how much you meant to me.
Yet I still feel like I should have told you.

Your sister, my best friend, starts crying even harder when she sees me.
She knows that who I grew up with, idolized, and really liked, is gone.
She tells me you loved me, and everyone else.
You loved everyone.
And that's what hurts the most.
Knowing that so many people would've done anything to help you.

Your older sister comes into the room and hugs me, too.
I have never felt so sorry for someone in my whole entire life.
She cries, and I start crying, too.
Even though, just a few minutes ago, I had stopped.

Everything stopped after my mom told me what happened to you.
Everything for everyone who knew you stopped.
And maybe that's why over the last few days I've looked around.
At people who didn't know you and thought.

Their life never stopped that day.
They didn't get to know you.
I was lucky, I got to have you in my life.
I got to grow up with you, and live next door to you.

You were such a selfless person.
The best neighbor I could ever ask for in my whole entire life.
Everyone who met you liked you.
I don't think I've ever met a person that knew you, that didn't like you.

I know in my heart that had I ever needed anything from you.
You would have done it.
And everyone else who was close with you, knows that too.

We all know you didn't mean to do what you did.
We all know you don't want us all to feel this way.
And we all have questions for you.
Ones that can't be answered.

I had so much I was planning to talk to you about had you come home for Thanksgiving.
Whether it was scary or not, it bugged me you didn't know how much you meant to me, so I wanted to tell you.
I wanted to play a song I wrote for you, too.

But that won't happen.

Everyone in this little town has an “I should have...”
Everyone also has a “What if I would've...” or “If only I had...”
But we can't go back in time.
One of life's biggest problems.

Because if that were the case.
You'd be here.
And everyone's heart who broke on November 6th
Wouldn't be so broken anymore.

You have taught all of us something from this.
You sure taught me things even when you were around.
But I can't express enough how grateful I am to have known you.

I can't even believe that this is real.
I've spent so much time over the last few days just waiting to wake up.
Hoping that this was just all one big dream.

Nightmare, actually.

You had something every girl looked for in a guy.

Actually, you didn't have just something...
Everything in you was what girls looked for in a guy.
Everything in you was what someone looked for in a friend.

You touched so many people's lives and I wish you realized it.
You were so modest about everything you did.

I remember being younger and watching you from my kitchen window do wheelies on your dirt bike.
Your mom called after you, “Wear a helmet!!!!”
You were so cool. You still are the coolest guy I have ever known.
I felt like I knew a celebrity at that age, and the best part was he lived next door.
And knew he knew my name.

You were everyone's someone.
And you meant something to everyone.
And to some people, it seemed like you meant everything.
Like to me.

The next couple days went by.
And your house was filled with sadness and unconditional love.
When I told my friends what happened, they all cried too.
Because they knew how highly I thought of you, and how much I really liked you.

My friends are going to miss you, too.
Even though they never met you.
They'll miss the cheap thrills.

The late nights we would sit outside.
Whispering "I wonder when he's gonna be home."
And when we would hear your truck.
We'd all freak out and run inside.

Such a cheap thrill.

My best friend and I once sat outside on your basketball court.
Waiting for you and my dad to get home.
"Maybe, we can like ask him to play basketball with us or something."
She wanted to meet you.
I just wanted to talk to you.
My little brother ruined that plan.

We did see you though.

And you were smiling.

Your visitation shook everyone really hard.
It was the evidence that what had happened really happened.
It wasn't just a dream like we were all hoping it would be.

You didn't look like yourself.
But I knew it was you.
And that's when all of us realized it was real.

But you aren't gone.
You're still here. Not the way we want.
But you are.

I can feel it. All of us can.
I see so much of you in all of my friends.
And I hope everyone sees some of you in their friends.
I know you're working through everyone to make us all happy.

Things aren't going to be the same.
Things are going to change.
And they're not going to be easy.

All of us came together for your funeral.
Sniffles heard throughout the church.
Sounds of sobbing and broken hearts.

The priest had to catch his breath because he was crying, too.

Everyone there had to be there for each other.

And I felt you there when I realized I had just hugged your ex-girlfriend who I didn't even get along with.
We both hugged each other and simultaneously said “I'm sorry”
Forgiveness.
And a bridge that had been broken, was just starting to be repaired.

All for you.

Whether people are religious or not.
We can all agree that you made that happen.
You saw it happen, too.
I know you'd be happy to see it.

I see your best friend, roommate, and cousins roll your casket out of the church.
And it shakes me to try to think what they're feeling.
And it shook others to try to think what I was feeling, too.

No one in that room could relate the feelings they had because they were all different.
Everyone had a different connection to you.
But all of them said the same words to describe you.
Words like: Sweet, gentleman, loving, caring, helpful, polite, nice, genuine, charming, hard working, upbeat, positive, smiley.

Happy.

It broke me so much to think of all of the little things I wouldn't be around.
Especially in the summer.

Seeing you outside with your dad, working on your truck together.
And your dad showing you how to do things.
And every time you would finally figure something out

You'd smile.

Little things like your truck driving up the street.
The loudness of the engine and the rattling noise of whatever was in the back.
The sound of you slamming your truck door.
The way you chased after your dog as he ran into my backyard.

Of course, me being me, I was just thinking about how great it was.
Since maybe you'd talk to me.
You would
"Hey, Ashley"
You would always say my name, which was perfect since when I talked to you
I probably couldn't remember what it was.

I'm gonna miss that, too.

When you'd sit on your deck with your sister and I.
And you'd show me your middle-school like magic tricks
Even though you'd done several of them to me when we were younger.

Your laugh and your smile will never be replaced.
I promise, I will never forget them.
Or you.

Other simple things like you standing outside impressed with your friends' sound systems in their car.
You'd all stand around one and it seemed as though you'd see how loud you could make the bass go.
Then you'd all get in and drive off.

And I'd sit at home in my room thinking about how much I wanted to spend my own time with you.
Getting to know more about you.
Besides what I was already into.

There are of course things I missed about you even when you were alive.
Things like neighborhood games of t-ball, kick the can.
Or that game of spud we all used to play.

Begging your sister to talk you into getting me flowers for my birthday.
Every year I'd cross my fingers in hope that maybe, someday it would happen.
But you were far too nice to lead me on.

At the time I was upset.
But now I realize in a way
You were looking out for me.

Every time I remember talking to you or being around you.
It was sunny outside.

Except for the time we were out on your deck eating and there was a tornado watch.
It was Friday the 13th.
You, your sister and I all got into one of your vehicles and went to rent a movie.

You made up some elaborate Friday the 13th story.
You were flying and you saw UFOs picking up cars.
And kidnapping people.

I laughed.
And you laughed, too.

You were such a unique person.
I can't say I've never met or heard about another person like you.
I remember when I was in 4th grade I asked you what you thought about girls
You were riding around in your garage on your trick bike.

You shrugged and said
"I don't know, they're just people."
You were in only the 6th grade when you said that.

A typical response from a 6th grade boy
Would not be something like that.
But you were no typical boy.

Building forts in the woods out back our houses.
You were always the one left in charge of carrying the large pieces of wood.
One time you, your sister, my brother and I all built a really cool one.

There are still remains of it today.

When I got my dog,and we all played outside.
When we all pretended she was evil and had to run from her.
She barked like crazy and we all sat on your basement floor laughing.
That day was so much fun.

Everyday spent around you was fun.

The coolest guy I've ever met.
You.

Racing cars.
Flying planes.
Owning a dirt bike.

Watching you race was so exciting.
That boy in that #32 race car.
My next door neighbor.
He talked to me, smiled at me and made me feel noticed.

You were like a big brother to me.
With the exception of me being into you.
I know when it came down to it, even though I drove you crazy.
You would look out for me.

You loved me.
And maybe not exactly the way I wanted you to.
But you did.
And I love you, too.

When you were buried there weren't as many people there as there were at the church service.
A small close circle stood around your resting place.
Some people stood with their arms around each other. Together.
Others stood alone.

Some cried to the point where they had to cover their face.
Others stood numb.

The group tapered down as we were told there was a lunch back at the church.

As my family got into our car I looked out the passenger window and saw people touching your casket.
Some leaning up against it crying.
Saying their final goodbye.
It hit me that that's the last time I will ever see you again.

Life didn't stop that day you died for those who didn't know you.
They didn't get that phone call.
The heartbreaking news.
But life doesn't stop for anything.
Whether it's happy or not.

Life only goes one way.
Forward.

So this is for you, neighbor.
Forward I go.

I love you <3

Backwards Determination

it's almost humorous when people tell me i can't do things
"you won't be able to do that because...

...you're not strong enough"
...your grades"
...your parents said you can't"
...i don't think you're ready for it"

but it's funny you know, because every time someone tells me i can't do something
or something off of that list
i do everything in my power just to prove them wrong.
it actually determines me.

so attention stupid math teacher, thanks for telling me i won't make it into UW-Milwaukee.

your negativity and doubt are bound to push me to get there

...and it's funny because you don't even know it

you'll see :)

Push

i wish i didn't feel like the only person in the world who always has to push an issue super hard just to get someone to look my way.

or an even more practical situation would be something like me just trying to get someone to talk to me or LISTEN to me.

i have to practically kick and scream just to get someone to listen.
and if they complain about that. i have to whisper.
i can't ever just talk.
always pushing to get to someone.

and just when i almost get where i want to be.
something pulls me back.


push. pull. push.

and just when i'm on the edge and i need someone to pull me back.

they push.

dear mr. heartbreaker...

Dear Mr. Heartbreaker...

I have had enough now.
Enough of me going back to you, and you going back to me.
Enough of you making me feel like a fool for going back.
Enough of your cruel words making me feel small and helpless.
Enough of you telling my friends that I'm a "Fucking disgusting bitch"
Enough of you leading me on.
Enough of you kissing me just like I had always pictured.
Enough of you claiming you would be mine once I returned home from Ecuador.
and then changing your mind and going back to the girl you think you love.

Who do you think you are walking around with your charming personality snatching girls' hearts by just once glance?

I hope you find this.

I hope that I live up to your title of me.
I hope that you are getting exactly what you wanted right now.
Me. Heartbroken. Congratulations, sir.

But I have news for you...

You are not what you think you are.
Girls think you are so charming and sweet and handsome.
And you're not.

You walk through this world thinking you're the best.
You once told me you considered dating a game.
Is it something like...

The object of the game is to break as many hearts as possible??

Well, let me tell you something...

Every time you break a heart...gold coins don't fall down where that girl once stood. This isn't a game. Love isn't a game. Lust isn't a game. Nothing is a game.

I hope that you are happy.
I hope that you are happy that you have made people think I am crazy, and that I'm not who I am.
I hope you know that every time you do this, my BEST friend even gets fed up with it.

I hope you are glad that at one point in time, you actually had me believing that I deserved someone like you.

So call me everything you want to. I'm sure I've heard it all.

But you are mean, rude, disgusting, a liar, a player, and a jerk.

So Mr. Heartbreaker...

What makes you think you're so special after all?

a football jersey

Last week on Friday, while walking through the hallway...
I heard two girls talking, they were both wearing football jerseys...
and one looked at the other and said, "well, next week I'M wearing _____'s jersey!!"

now this whole football jersey has always sort of confused me.
and maybe because i'm seeing it from the outside in since i've never worn one before.
but girls literally get all worked up over this?

to those of you out there reading this, if you've worn a jersey before...
don't act like at one time you haven't been a little worked up about it before.
you know, when you like a guy, and you really want his jersey, and then on friday, you see some other girl wearing it?

bummer, huh?

but i'm gonna be really up front with all you jersey freaks out there...
and if you're ready for the truth about what you're getting all stoked about...
then i'm ready to tell you.

you are getting worked up over a

white mesh t-shirt...
with a shiny blue number.


that's.
it.

bet you feel pretty special to be wearing one now, huh?

how to start over and let go.

so i 've never really done a "How to" before...and I never really planned on it.
But you'll see why I am pretty soon.

to make a long story short on the way home from Ecuador I accidentally left my journal that I had been writing in for the past 8 months in on my plane. it is gone now and every little thing i wrote since november until july 18th is gone. and writing to me is super important. when i have a journal, it is practically a book of secrets. i write every little thing in my journals, and i have since 7th grade. that journal was my 6th, but now i have to have a new 6th. which i haven't started yet. and i'll get to that reason, too. my friends always tell me when i try to remember something "i don't know, look it up in your journal." and there it is. the answer to my question. the answer to who said what, who did what, where it happened, when...all of it is there. and when my host mom told me that she felt like i was losing my best friend when i lost it...i realized she was right.

i thought for sure at first that i left it in the apartment i stayed at in guayaquil, everyone was banking on it being there. a couple weeks later i learn that it's not there. and a week after that. it hit me that i had left it on my plane. i called miami airport lost and found over and over and over and never got an answer. and just recently, one day, i did. it's not at a lost and found. and i wont get it back. whether it is thrown away or in someone else's hands. it will never be in mine where i really want it to be.

and it might sound pathetic, and you might laugh...but if you knew me, you would understand why i cried so hard when i found out it was gone. i wrote in there while i was in ecuador, and my second host sister wrote me notes in there in spanish.

the day i found out that the search for it was over and that nothing could be done, i called my friend and had explained to her that it's gone. she didn't have much to say, which i sort of expected because there really isn't much to say besides "wow, that sucks."

after being miserable for 2 days about it. and after thinking about it. it sort of started to make sense. i'm not really one of those people who believes in "signs" of things. or all that fate stuff. or destiny or whatever you would like to call it. but long story short, i had a lot of rough stuff happen to me towards the end of my trip. (nothing there) mostly like drama with other people. (well, one person...and if you someday find this, buddy...i hope you know that you are a jerk and deserve to be alone.)

my friend kept telling me how much she thought it would be good for me to start over. and how it would be so easy to let go of the bad things that happened throughout my junior year and time writing in that journal. every thing really made sense. i realized i should start writing again, and write everything about ecuador and in regards to the other months throughout junior year...i don't need to remember specifics. because in reality: whatever i remember is what's important and matters to me anyway.

another thing that i find pretty spectacular is my 365 project, i can use it to help me remember what happened when. some pictures correspond with events. others i just remember the day of taking it and what happened that day.

so here is my HOW TO part...(if you're expecting something super moving, emotional, something that will change your life etc...you are in the wrong spot, my friend.)

1. stop holding grudges: the journals for me make it hard to let go because i can read back on exactly what people said and did. and then it's hard to forget. so irregardless of whether you write or not. stop holding grudges. you gain nothing from them at all. quit fooling yourself into thinking it's helpful.
2. eliminate people from your life who don't deserve a place in it: self-explanatory.
3. SAY YOU'RE SORRY. it costs nothing. if you have anything to be sorry for, just say so. it costs you absolutely nothing. and you lose nothing either. in fact, you will feel better. i promise.
4. figure out what matters to you...or who matters to you. and then stop worrying about everybody else.
5. take risks. if you want to get to know someone better, you better start it now. because they might never know.
6. ask questions: if you never ask. the answer is always "no"
7. forgive yourself. whatever happened in the past doesn't matter now because you can't rewind time to fix your mistakes. you can't rewind time for anything.

because if we could rewind time, i'd probably go back and get my journal. :)

neck pains/awkward parties/accomplisments and a "how to"

seeing as though i haven't blogged in a long time i'll try to remember what's happened but considering that i do a billion things every single day, you might not get every single detail.

i should probably tell you why my title is the way it is...

a few days ago i randomly had this EXTREME neck pain. it felt internally swollen and sore. i really had no idea what it would have come from. all i knew is there was a party that night that i really wanted to go to. when the pain first started i was at my host grandma's house and my host sister (my old host sister's friend) i laid down for a little while and when i woke up it was gone so i figured it was over...which apparently was not the case because it got worse.

when we got back to her house i took some benedryl, watched a movie, drank some tea..and the benedrly hadn't even made me sleepy...i even took 2! my host sister had told me that i should try to get ready for the party and i decided that since my time here was coming to an end i should probably toughen up and go.

my host sister is extremely good at doing my hair and makeup. she did my hair and then told me to go lay down and wait for her to finish doing her hair..then she would do my makeup.

i laid down alright...and the second i laid down i felt myself falling into a deep sleep. 20 minutes later i heard her saying "okay! makeup!" the only thing i could think was "okay! sleep!" my host sister knew very well that there was no way i was going to that party. i climbed into my bed and the second my head hit the pillow i was out like a light.

for the next couple days my stupid neck pain kept hurting me...i missed a party the next night too that i was also planning on attending. i have never had a pain like that before. i dont know what it was or what it came from but i never want it again.

i now live with my old host sister's friend...maria cecilia. she is 17 and has 2 younger sisters. Sofi, who is 14 and Carolina...who goes by "caro" and she is 5. so i have always wanted an older sister..and a younger one...and now, i get both. and the best part is that my older sister shares all of her clothes and stuff with me so i basically feel like we're actually sisters. which is going to make it super hard to leave.

last night i went to a party and it was probably the most awkward party ever...hardly anyone was dancing which was weird because everyone here dances...i was super tired i hardly got any sleep before and EVERYONE wanted to talk to me and ask me questions.

one of the guys i had met at my old host sister's birthday party was there and he introduced me to a guy who lived in texas for awhile so he spoke english. he started to dance with me which was fine and then he said "im kind of a bad dancer" all of the guys here are super good at dancing so i just pulled the whole "haha its okay" ...but it wasn't. he. was. bad. he was so extremely awkward! i dont even think he was dancing to the beat of the music it was like he was playing one of those dance-dance revolution games. he also was holding me like we were doing some sort of walz....i think now is a good time for me to "go to the bathroom"

which is now where i present to you....

HOW TO AVOID DANCING WITH GUYS THAT ARE AWKWARD!:
1. Try this..."Do you want to dance?" "No, I think I'm gonna go eat." Avoid him for the rest of the party.
2. Pretend you don't know what he's saying. He's speaking a foreign language so it's expected that you won't always understand.
3. Dancing is against your religion...
4. Randomly stop dancing with him and hug the girl next to you acting like you haven't seen her in ages.
5. If he starts smoking...start coughing (this one works)
6. "Do you want to drink?" "If it'll make you leave me alone." (Take the drink but don't drink it.
7. "Do you have a boyfriend?" "I'm actually engaged."

and if none of those work you should probably leave the party.

and now...

my accomplishments since i've been here

1. i can understand what people are saying when theyre having a conversation...sort of.
2. i can get in a car and not wear my seatbelt...and not worry about it.
3. i can identify something clearly...color...shapes...designs.
4. i can dance like they do here.
5. i can quickly answer basic questions: how old are you, where are you from, what do you do for fun, do you have a boyfriend, do you drink, do you smoke...etc.
6. i can tell someone when i'm hungry or thirsty and what i want.
7. i can tell someone when something hurts me and what i need to make it better.
8. i can explain to someone why i have to take malaria pills.
9. i can speak spanish quickly and not speak EXTREMELY slow.
10. i can ask someone where we are going, what time we will be home...why we are going there.
11. i can ask someone how they slept.
12. i can tell someone i need to shower.
13. i can tell someone my clothes are dirty.
14. i can eat just about anything...i am pretty sure i've had about 3420394823094 different soups while here.
15. i can tell someone to give me something.
16. i can tell someone when i need something and what i need
17. i can tell someone how a party was, who was there, what it was like and what music was played.
18. i can deal with altitudes of 10,000ft AND live there for a month. BOOYA
19. i can leave my friends, family, dog...and guitar for a month.
20. i can fly abroad alone.
21. i walk on rocks in the mountains by a river and not die...OR break my camera.
22. i can responsibly handle excessive amounts of money and saving it (this is a huge accomplishment for me)
23. i can say no to drinking even when everyone else around me is doing it.

so basically i'm pretty awesome and i'm gonna be flying home in 5 days! see y'all soooon!!

she moves in her own way

last night i spent the night at my friend maria cecilia's house and we had a ton of fun. her house is right next to the river so you can hear it from her room. when you look out the window you can see it! so last night i got to fall asleep to the sounds of a river and it was sooooo amazing.

anyway..

i now don't really HAVE a host family...
i guess my first host family wasn't getting along with me or something weird like that...who knows.
apparently i was too shy.
ha...ashley...shy...hahahahah
to those of you who truly know me, you know that i am everything but shy.
you will never hear the words "ashley is" and "shy" in a sentence together unless the word "not" is in between.

alright. lets stop talking about how i'm not shy.

so i live with my host sister's (not host sister anymore) aunt. and she is a photographer with 3 younger kids.
all of them are super fun to be around and they make learning spanish really fun and exciting and it's also fun because i get to teach them english!

tomorrow i leave for camping in the mountains until sunday with my friend maria cecilia and after i return i come back to my host aunts house...i'm not sure if i should now just title her my host mom? orrrrrr????? i'll open the doors to suggestions so y'all can help me choose.

today my host aunt (mom?) took me shopping at some of the markets here. i only spent $20 and i got a TON of little things. everything i bought was no more than $3 except for a scarf i bought which was $13. i would say i made some really good purchases and my momma would be proud because i was verrryyyy good about saving my money. (hey mom, glad to see you found my blog on your own this time...or maybe not..we'll have to see)

i have only two weeks left here in this country and i have learned SOOOO much over the past 3 weeks. i have even made a note on my ipod of all of the new words and phrases i have learned. my host aunt's (mom's?) little kids all laugh at me because to them those words and phrases are just so simple.

the neighborhood i live in has security guards and a couple weeks ago i asked my friend maria cecilia why i hear them blowing their whistles at night..she wasn't able to translate but i just figured it was because someone was doing something they weren't supposed to so they blew their whistles. apparently i was wrong because today i asked my host aunt (mom?) and she said the guard blows his whistle so the people know that he is awake and doing his job since he works all night. i now find hearing that whistle rather comforting, actually.

this paragraph of my blog is probably going to make some of you really jealous and want to move to ecuador..but i'm gonna tell ya anyway that gas here is only $1.08 and the most expensive gas is $2. :)

i titled this post what i did because i feel like my first host family didn't understand that it was going to take me time to adjust to a new culture and language. i also don't like to try every new food i see right away all at once. i want to be introduced to things slowly so i know what i (and my stomach) like and don't like. i was also super overwhelmed with the language when i got here. to those of you who have never traveled abroad before i am here to tell you it is CRAZY. EVERYTHING is in spanish. maybe a little english here or there but you don't pick up on what people are talking about for awhile and you feel super left out!

now that i have been here awhile the spanish is getting sooooooooo much easier, it's much easier to process what people are saying and you start to pick up on the popular phrases people use to start conversation. i also have a translator on my ipod and let me tell you, it is my favorite app EVER...whenever i hear something over and over that i don't understand i translate it. my little host cousin (now little host sister?) has taught me a lot of spanish. she likes to point at things as she says them so it helps me put two and two together and all of her phrases she helps me understand. and it's even more rewarding when i get to USE the phrases.

i feel like i haven't really talked about the culture here...so i might as well tell you what i have learned..which is quite a bit. brace yourself.

when you greet someone and leave someone you kiss them on the cheek. you don't actually kiss their cheek though, you just touch cheeks and make the kissing sound. which me coming from united states was super awkward at first..but kinda cool when i get an almost kiss on the cheek from cute guys here...just sayin. though when guys greet and leave each other they shake hands or high five or something guyish.

most people assume "adios" is how people here say goodbye...but it actually isn't used. they say "ciao" pronounced like "chow" and when i said adios people were a little thrown off guard. i think its a more formal way of goodbye. like we say goodbye...or just bye. and i think adios is goodbye and ciao is bye...but dont quote me on that one.

foods here are very different. the fruits are all aaaaamaaaazzzziiiiinnnnngggg and the juices are all hand made with fruits and they are SUPER good. i love the juices and i am going to miss them a lot. they eat soup for lunch usually. i am almost pretty sure they make soup out of everything. today i had soup with egg in it and it was really good. you'd think it wouldn't be but it was!!

most of the families here have maids.. i think i might have already said this. but they clean and cook for you. and do your laundry. which is super magic. you just put your clothes in a bin and when you wake up they're gone and when you come back in your room they're folded on your bed! when i told my host aunt (mom?) that in wisconsin it isn't common she said that it's common here because it is so cheap. it's only $200 a month for them to work everyday all week for you.

here they also have doors where you press a button and then someone inside answers a phone type thing...they'll ask who it is and you say who you are and then the door electronically opens when they press a button. that i also find pretty magic.

they do not have basements here. because storms here are never severe. which for me is AWESOME! no tornadoes or any massive storm would ever make it over the andes mountains so i have nothing to worry about. it does rain here a lot. but when it rains it is only for 15 minutes tops. the problem is that sometimes it rains and then stops...and then 10 minutes later starts again.

you can also drive an hour and a half south of a city and it will be a totally different climate. yungilla, where i stayed this past weekend was warmer than here in cuenca. these people here think that 50s is "cold"...i think it's totally fine...then again, i am from a state where "cold" is below 32.

tomorrow i am leaving with my friend maria cecilia to go camping in the mountains until sunday, and then i come back to live with my host aunt (mom?) for the rest of my time here.

i miss my friends and family but i am glad that i have finally found a place where i can stay and be happy and comfortable. :) i will write as soon as i can!!

ciao!
ashley

stepping stones (literally)

so before i tell you today's main story..i might as well back up and tell you what's gone on since i've last written.

i helped photograph a bride for some bridal portraits which was super super fun and really good for me since i want to be a photographer.

and i took a bus tour around cuenca. which was pretty cool.

so, today...actually all weekend i stayed in yunguilla at my host grandparents huge house thing. i keep telling everyone it's a resort because it practically is. they have an underground pool (if that's what you call pools that are built into the ground?? and they also have a porch which over looks the mountains and you can pretty much see everything. i went there once before when i photographed the peacock..and the first time i wasn't feeling so hot because this place is a little higher up than cuenca. and i was still battling that stupid altitude sickness.

anyway, today my host cousins who are all fairly younger than me..invited me to go with them to the river. my host aunt told me that i should go and that it's really cool. she said "its just like a little creek!" which i figured out later on was a understatement.

my host cousin who had to have been 12 or 13 had helped me the whole entire trip to this little waterfall. i was accompanied by 5 kids... when i asked her how far it would be when we first left she said "ohh about 5 minutes" and later on she said "only a few hours" (HOURS??!!!!!) i figured since they were all pretty young, we probably weren't going anywhere too dangerous, and when i grabbed my camera they all looked at me and said i'd get wet. my host aunt told me i'd be fine and that i just need to be careful. (another understatement/lie)

we went on our way and started walking down the driveway. i followed my host cousins down a little trail..which then got very steep and my host brother took my camera so he could hold on to it for me...which was good because shortly after i took a little slide down that dirt hill. we walked (well, they walked, i slid on my butt) down this steep hill for a few minutes. finally, we reached flat ground, we walked past a beat up shed..that looked like it was once a house...super creepy, i didn't look inside. in my head i was thinking "just keep walking, just keep walking" my host cousin, ariana, the one who helped me the whole time then said "as we get closer it is going to get more difficult." ughhh..can we just go back to the house already!? my nice pair of american eagle jeans that had been hand me downs were covered in dirt on the butt and my cute DC shoes that were not cheap looked like i had walked in poop. awesome.

after walking past the shed and following my little leaders around for a good 20 minutes, i found myself at a huge drop where i could see the river. YES! WE'RE HERE! ...nope. just kidding. after being ordered to jump a good 3 feet down i realized that what they wanted was to walk up the river (on the rocks/boulders on the side) to a very high point with a waterfall. they wanted to swim there. i didn't bring my swimming suit because i figured it'd just a be a little creek and i could take pictures.

i really regret not wearing my swimming suit and even more so i regret wearing jeans and a thick t-shirt. i was SO HOT. the scariest part for me was having to jump from rock to rock across the river. being a little city girl this was super difficult for me. where i come from a "creek" has just about no current at all and you can pretty much cross it by barely stretching your leg out. then again, my city, or state, or country is nothing like where i am at right now.

i found myself always holding the group up and slowing them down because it always took me two minutes two jump from rock to rock. either that or one of the boys who tagged along had to backtrack to where i was to reach out his hand to help me.

after safely managing to make it some way up the mountain, i eventually did get my feet wet. in shoes. and socks. gross. after awhile of walking with one wet foot, i did get the other one wet. and when that happened i sort of was okay with it. because this meant that instead of slowing the group down by taking forever to jump...i could just walk across the river!! and every time someone would say "jump, ashley!" i could smile and just say, "nope!" everyone seemed to find my tactic quite amusing, i thought it was pretty clever...until i found myself walking in knee high water. now my jeans are not only dirty, but wet.

i found myself on top of a huge boulder that i was supposed to jump off of. everyone in our little group had already done so and now they were all screaming in both spanish and english "jump, ashley!! jump!!" or "vamos! salta!" which is "let's go! jump!!" the only thing that i could think of in my head was "here you are ashley...this is where you are going...to die." i could see it now...the most popular news channel in wisconsin covering a story about a foreign exchange student dying in the mountains. and just when i thought i couldn't scare myself anymore. i jumped.

i landed alright. hard. got a few little rocks jabbed in my hands and my ankles hurt a little. moving on.

eventually, i found myself propped up against another boulder heavily breathing and asking my host cousin how much farther. expecting a simple "2 minutes" i got "about an hour" this is a joke. i want to go back. they all somehow convinced me that where we were going lead us to the house...which i later discovered was 100% bullcrap. (i'll refrain from swearing since i know my mom would be upset.....you're welcome mom.) although, my shoes and pants probably did smell like bull shit. (sorry, mom) my host cousin then said "you have to go faster because if you do not hurry the night will come and it will get dark." that's right!!! here in ecuador it's dark by 7! i had no idea what time it was but once again i got a vision in my head of me dying in the mountains because it was dark out and i would fall in the river and die. yup. that's what it's gonna be. that's how i'm gonna die.

after another hour of slipping and falling and practically dying, and getting more wet and being afraid of water snakes and whatever animals live in the fricking mountains we made it! sort of..my host brother pointed at a huge wall of pure rock and said "we climb." uhhh...we what???? i looked at him and did some sign language for climbing which probably made me look like i was mentally unstable, however, it got the point across and we were indeed climbing up this rock wall. which was just the inside of a mountain. okay, okay...THIS is where i'm gonna die. i'm gonna try climbing up this wall, slip and fall backwards into the river and crack my skull on a rock. yup. that's it. that's how i'm gonna go. peace out, everyone.

nope. with the help of the 4 boys that were with me...all much younger than me..i made it. even though it was awkward because they had to push on my butt. i was just glad to me alive and well. when we reached the waterfall they had all wanted to swim in, i had totally regret not wearing my swimming suit underneath my clothes. they all suggested i just swim in my clothes, but that sounded gross to hike all the way back home in. however, i did my fair share of swimming..without getting my top half wet.

my host brother started splashing me. it was super cold and i started screaming. he then directed me to where the sun was shining. i sat there for quite awhile drying off. my shirt dried off but my pants and shoes...well, they might still be wet right NOW! i felt like i should've been singing "i'm not a girl, not yet a woman" by britney spears...if you haven't seen the music video go look it up.

we of course had to go back to the house, meaning i had to climb down the rocks, and re-do everything i did to get there but backwards. there was a waterfall below the waterfall we swam at..and i had my host brother take a picture of me standing in front of it..i attached it to this post for you all to see! jumping was easier, and so was walking through the water...and then it started to rain. i was more worried about the safety of my camera than i was for myself (typical ashley for ya)

when we reached the entrance of our little trail to go back home i was SO excited. but i had totally forgot how steep it was. since it was wet, it was slippery and i kept falling. i was SO TIRED, HUNGRY, THIRSTY AND FRUSTRATED!! everyone kept laughing at me because i was falling and screaming and cursing. it was insane. we found a little shelter to sit under while the rain passed which only took about 10 minutes. and then we continued home. we did finally make it there. and i was SO hungry. and tired. i still am tired. i'm probably going to sleep like a baby tonight.

who knows what tomorrow will bring. all i know is i was mad at the time that i went to the river but now that it's over i'm sooo glad i went. it was good excersice and an awesome adventure! :)

Peace. and HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

she speaks english

today i woke up at the same time as always. 11:30am.
just like everyday i had breakfast.
but then my host family and i all packed into one vehicle and were on our way "into town" whatever that meant..either way...we were leaving our city. Cuenca.

i brought my camera and carried it in it's case since it was raining in the morning.
i also brought my ipod since i had a feeling the car ride might be a good hour or so.
we entered another city with some weird name that i forget..but just like everything else..

it looked like a totally different city than cuenca.
there were stray dogs everywhere..just like in cuenca.
bu the way people dressed was different.

after stopping at where i thought we were going to walk around and shop..
we got back in the car and drove the way we came into the city as if we were leaving.
we stopped at a gas station and i had to use the bathroom. which was located outside.
and it was the most disgusting bathroom i've ever entered in my whole entire 16 (almost 17) years of living. it smelled horrible and i literally did everything in there with my feet. i refused to touch anything. at this point it had stopped raining.of course, when i came out my host sister started laughing and when we walked back to the car i saw that my host mom and brothers were also laughing at me and my facial expressions upon leaving that bathroom. my oldest host brother looked at me and said "how was it?" and the only thing i could do was make a disgusted facial expression. when my host dad got into the car and asked why we were all laughing..my host sister explained and all he could say was, "welcome to a third world country"

i tried a couple different fruits today and a coconut juice..and also a thing that looked like a pancake but wasnt. the first fruit i had already tried once before but i figured i try it again...and i didn't like it and my host sister knew from the first time i tried it that it was not tasty to me at all. at this point it had stopped raining.

we stopped and ate at a restaurant. i ate chicken. and drank sprite that came in a glass bottle. after looking down at my chicken to take a bite i noticed through the transparent table that a dog had just ran under it...this restaurant had its door open so a little stray dog walked in and out as he/she pleased. and after another few minutes, i looked around the restaurant to see a chicken walking around picking up scraps. i automatically put on a confused face because things like that don't happen in wisconsin and my host mom just said "the first time i saw that i had the same thought"



after driving around and my host dad stopping what felt like every block to ask for directions to go somewhere (i didn't know where we were trying to go..i either had my ipod in or didn't understand what they were saying)

after another 30 minutes or so of driving around, we stopped at a place to ride go-karts...naturally, i was EXTREMELY excited because i love go-karts...but at the same time i was also nervous because it seems like those "rare occasions" where someone is injured while abroad...would happen to me...things like that always happen to me. worth the risk though!

after my host dad, brothers, sister and i all got into our go-karts one of the workers there came over and attempted to explain to me in spanish how to operate the thing. he was using hand motions too but i felt like a bobble head because i just kept nodding even though most of the time, just like always, i had absolutely no idea what he was saying. i knew that the right pedal was go and the left was stop...i didnt really think there was much else for me to know. but after he turned to one of the other co-workers and said "ella habla ingles" (she speaks english) i knew maybe there was something else.

after my host mom and dad translated for me...i realized i had pretty much understood most of what the man had said. the only thing that made me nervous was that there were no seatbelts on these go-karts and that the helmet i was wearing didn't buckle because the buckle was broken. awesome.

they started the go-karts and all of my host family that was driving (everyone except my host mom) took of super fast. i figured since i really didn't feel like dying and i didnt know what i was doing...i should probably take it slow and play on the safe side. i kept getting lapped, and i drove REALLY slow around the corners. my host sister and her brothers were absolute maniacs and my oldest host brother hit me at least 4 times and then was removed from the course (hahahahaha) i could tell my host sister was laughing at me for driving so slow but shortly after i got to do the laughing because she ran into the tires that outlined the track. i'm STILL laughing about it when i think of it because the look on her face when she realized what happened was priceless. on the last lap i sped up a little more and had more fun because i was driving faster, but when i turned the corner and slid a little i decided it'd be best to go back to being a loser and driving slow. :P

when we finally did stop to shop somewhere it was just a little shoe store with fasionable boots that my host mom and sister each bought a pair of. i really wanted to buy a pair, too seeing as though they were super cute and i've always wanted a cute pair of boots...but i knew that later on i'd find something just as cute that wasn't sold in america and i'd regret buying the boots there.

we walked through some open air markets that sold fruits and vegetables. we didn't ever really stop to look..we just kept walking and walking. and the only thing i could think to myself was "and i brought my camera today because.....??"

it gets dark here at about 6 so at about 5:30 we headed back to cuenca and were going home. i'm just as tired as i am everyday, but this city never sleeps and there is never silence. you will never hear absolutely nothing happening outside which is different for me since i come from an extremely tiny town.

more soon!
ashley

lost on planet ecuador.

i figure since i haven't used this blog in about 50 years i should probably start up again.
seeing as though i'm out of the country.
i'll do my best to tell you all what i've done so far and what it's like. and about the journey here.
...but no promises. ;)

on june 13th i was up at 4am. i was supposed to be up at 5:30, but I was far too excited to sleep. i feel like i only slept about 3 hours that night. partially because i had friends over until 11pm that night and because i had a lot of fun that night too. and obviously, i was excited to be going on an adventure of a lifetime. anyway, i woke up and triple-checked to make sure i had everything. from a toothbrush to my camera. i wanted to make sure there would be nothing that i needed (or thought i needed) left behind.

my mom, great aunt and i had a 3 hour drive to the chicago international airport where we had to hang around for 3 hours to wait for my plane. i was escorted on first because i was an unaccompanied minor. for some reason, i wound up getting business class seats and i was SO excited. i was excited and nervous. no turning back now. we waited on the plane. and waited. and waited. and waited. and eventually the guy next to me said to me "i dont think you're going to make your connecting flight. this flight will be 3 hours and by the time we land..you're plane to guayaquil will be taking off." after another 20 minutes of waiting..a voice over the speaker mentioned a phone number we could call to reschedule our connecting flight. i decided it was time for me to go find a flight attendant to find out what i should do.


she escorted me off of the plane.. luckily, my mom and aunt were still at my gate. we went to the front desk to find out what to do...turns out..my plane had an oil leak and before they had boarded the 251 passengers, they knew that there was something wrong with my plane...as you can imagine, people were angry..missing cruises, weddings, meetings, graduations. everything. i'm glad i was one of the first people off of the plane because before i knew it there was a line forming behind me of angry people waiting to find out what to do. i was going to miss my flight and the next flight to ecuador from miami was the next day.

so. round 2. june 14th...this day my flight from chicago left 2 hours earlier than the one that was going to on the 13th. i knew that i had to go to bed early so i fell asleep at 9 thanks to some benedryl even though i wasnt sick.

i woke up at 5:30 this time. and i was still incredibly tired. i didnt have to check everything again..because my suitcase was already God knows where. some people assumed it would be in miami...while others assumed it was already in Ecuador. I slept the whole entire car ride to chicago and i was only nervous that my plane was going to have problems again.

i was once again, one of the first passengers on the plane, along with the other unaccompanied minors. however, i was the first unaccompanied minor on the plane. all of the flight attendants knew me by name and asked me where i was going. they all thought i was adorable and they were all super nice to me. no business class this time. when i found out my seat wasnt a window seat..i was determined to find someone to trade with me. about 15 minutes after people started boarding a young guy who looked like he was in his mid-twenties sat down by the window seat closest to me. in my sweetest voice possible with a smile i said "umm excuse me? i'm going to be a foreign exchange student to ecuador and i would really like to take pictures out the window of the plane to show my host family once i get there (total lie..i just wanted to take pictures!) would you mind trading with me?" and of course, he traded with me. :) carry-ons were supposed to be kept above the seats in the cabin if they didnt fit below the seat...but knowing that if that were the case for me...i'd be up and down every five seconds..i was determined to make my bag fit below the freaking seat...and i did. i have no idea how...but i did. taking off was so much fun! i was absolutely mind blown at how fast the plane was moving in order for us to take off. to the point where i started laughing. no turning back now.

i sat next to a flight attendant who was done with her shifts and heading home to miami. she was one of the nicest people i met while flying. she gave me ear plugs in case i wanted to sleep on the next flight or on the flights home from ecuador. she talked with me the whole way and was super interested in my love for photography. i had to have taken over 200 pictures on my first flight.

when we landed in miami, the flight attendant who sat next to me told me to have a good trip. i was the last one of the plane because all unaccompanied minors had to be escorted off. all the flight attendants told me to have a good time and they were all super nice. when i walked off the plane to meet my fellow unaccompanied minor friends that were also on the plane..i noticed they were all about the age of 12. and the one who stood out the most..was the one who talked to me..and this is how the conversation went. her: hey! me: hi. hows it going? her: good. how old are you? me: 16. her: oh! you look like your 12! ...thankfully, right after she said that..it was time to be taken to the unaccompanied minors room to hang out for 4 hours and wait for my next flight.

i met a couple kids in that room who were pretty nice and helped me pass the time. i couldnt get the wifi to work on my ipod which was super upsetting. however, my phone still worked so i was able to text my best friend and my mom to tell them that i landed in miami.

i kept asking the women that worked in the unaccompanied minors (let's just call them UMs..k?) room where my suitcase was...and every single time..they would ignore me. they all spoke spanish and english but when they talked to each other it was in spanish...after asking in english where my suitcase should be and they didnt answer...i tried in spanish..finally..a lady came over to me and in english said, "your suitcase should be in ecuador. don't worry about it. it will be there waiting for you." alright, lady..i'll take your word for it. i won't worry.

6 o'clock rolls around and it's time to board flight #2. at this point i knew what to expect and i was super excited! i found my seat and sat down to realize that the man who sat next to me only spoke spanish. i came to the conclusion that it was probably good for me to practice seeing as though in a few hours i would be in south america, but it felt like everytime i went to say something to him in spanish...i'd forget how to say it!!

i took a lot of pictures on that flight, too...especially of the moon. and at one point there was a cloud out my window that was a little below us that was producing lightning which was super cool to watch. i wish i could've told the guy next to me to look too, but i didn't know how to to that, either.

i was told that the flight was only going to be 3.5 hours...but i think it was about 5. first of all, we had a 45 minute delay for taking off because we had to wait in line for other planes to take off. which made me super super impatient. but i also was impatient while airborne because after awhile it got dark and i couldnt take pictures anymore. i tried sleeping...that was dumb..how was i supposed to sleep when i was less than 3 hours away from ECUADOR?!

finally, after landing...we went through all these lines and they had to check my passport and do all of that security stuff. we went to the luggage belt thinger..(what's that thing called???) i kept explaining to the lady that was escorting the UMs my situation...after awhile of contacting people she said they didnt think that they had record of my suitcase..naturally, i panicked. and of course...5 seconds after freaking out...my suitcase comes around the luggage belt. i've never been so happy to see a plain old suitcase in my whole entire life...MOVING ON!...

we went over to customs and the only thing i could think is "ugh! this is gonna take FOREVER!!!!!" and for some reason, it took literally 2 minutes. i put my bags through a scanner thing...they looked at my passport...and that was that.

i was escorted out to the waiting area for people...which was PACKED. there were hunderds, and hundreds of people..some holding flowers, some balloons...all waiting for someone. at this point...all i could think was "well..i'm never gonna find my host family." after standing on my tip toes and looking through a crowd of faces....i finally spotted my host mom..who at the exact same time..spotted me. it was so exciting. soo exciting to know that someone on the other end of the world was waiting for me to come and stay with them. i was so thankful and blessed that i made it there safely and i had found my family....can we leave the airport now??

we arrived at a house thing in guayaquil where we spent the night. i got my own little room and i was able to take a shower. i was uneasy because i really had no idea where the hell i was. i couldn't get over the fact that just that morning...i was in my own country...my own state...my own house...my own room. it was sooo weird. i was also a little upset because my phone didn't work..luckily, i had wifi in the guayaquil airport so i could tell my best friend and mom that i had safely landed. i would've liked to have had my phone working so i could text my friends and tell them everything i'd experienced so far in my first hours of being in south america...but nope.

i really didn't think i was going to sleep that night. luckily, i had my ipod..so i was able to listen to that to fall asleep..just like i did when i was at home.

when i woke up the next morning..i thought it was in my best friend's bed room..her room is the same color (or about) as the room that i stayed in. so naturally, i just looked around to find her...she wasn't there...i heard loud engines and just thought to myself "its just the neighbor boy pulling into or out of his driveway" but then i kept hearing honking horns and barking dogs...all of the sudden it had it me. i wasnt in the USA anymore.

i ate breakfast with my host family and put on some clean clothes..gathered up my stuff and made sure i didn't forget anything and then put all of my stuff back in their car. finally, we were off for a 3 hour drive to Cuenca, the city where i would be living in for the next 6 weeks.

i couldn't belive how different things were. when driving through guayaquil every time i looked out the window, i saw something i had never seen before. and despite my car sickness, i couldn't stop myself from looking out the window at everything. all of the signs, billboards and road signs...all in spanish.

when we left the city of guayaquil, we were driving towards the andes mountains. which i was absolutely fascinated by. they were so incredibly beautiful and HUGE. the closer we got to them...the more excited i got to drive in them. after awhile of driving up and up and up my ears started to pop. i was taking pictures like there was no tomorrow and i was so excited.

at one point, my host dad stopped the car and had me get out to see how cold it was at that spot. it was the highest point we would drive to which was 14,000 feet up. i dont remember feeling sick and if i was i wouldn't have noticed because i was far too excited. i was also so high up that i literally got to touch the clouds. it was awesome.

after a long drive to cuenca. we finally arrived. by the time i got to my host family's home and got out of the car, my host parents and host sister had already grabbed my luggage for me. which was honestly totally fine by me. my suitcase was 46lbs and i was TIRED.

whether it was that day or a couple after, i met my host sister's friend Maria Cecilia who i instantly became friends with. everyone here is super friendly and willing to make friends.

that friday...june 17th...i went to my first party..which was absolutely insane. it was like a party you see in the movies with color strobe lights, servers, drinks, and hundreds of teenagers just looking for a good time. of course, when i went to greet everyone, i didn't notice a dip in the pavement and i took a little bit of a fall. great way to break the ice..

of course, because i'm foreign..pretty much every guy wanted to dance with me. and in america at parties where there's dancing..we just kinda awkwardly rock back and forth and text and talk...and at parties here...people actually dance..and if you're not dancing, people are going to look at you and wonder what's wrong with you. since i already stood out enough, hence the blonde hair and blue eyes and extreme accent when i spoke spanish...i figured i might as well TRY to dance like everyone else..which didn't go as well as i planned. the first couple guys that i danced with tried to teach me and they all told me i was very good. then they offered me a drink...just like everyone else. no drinking for this girl, i can't even handle myself when i'm sober.

after awhile of dancing with at least 7 different guys, i was tired. i was still adjusting to the altitude and i was still exhausted from all my traveling even though i had been there for a few days already.

seeing as though the doctor told me that i would only need altitude meds for 3 or 4 days..i decided that the next day i wasn't gonna take them. they made me feel horrible. they made me tired all of the time and they made me lose my apetite too.

june 18th. i woke up..and i felt SO horrible. i had the worst headache ever. i was dizzy and i felt like at any second i was going to pass out. not even advil helped me. nothing. finally, after eating bread and drinking sprite (which i am now obsessed with) i felt a little better...i also decided that it would be best to back on the altitude meds. that night was my host sister's sweet 16th birthday party. so i knew that i needed to feel better. maria cecilia did an incredible job at doing my hair and makeup and i eventually started feeling a little better.

there were tons of people at Natalia's (my host sister) party. I got to meet even more of her friends, and reconnect with the ones that i had already been introduced to. all of them included me and made me feel like i was a part of their group.

i was once again, asked to dance...or told to dance with someone. and it was a little easier than the party the night before..but still a little difficult. the party went very late and as the night went on i got more and more tired and just wanted to sit down.

at one point, an extremely drunk boy decided to ask me to dance, because i knew he was drunk, i said, "No."...and he grabbed onto my waist..so i pushed him away..and then he kissed my face. which i made pretty clear in english and in spanish that i was not very happy with that. i think his friends got the message because i heard one of them tell him to go away. finally, at around 3 in the morning we went back home. i fell asleep right away.

on the 19th my host family took me to my host dad's parent's house. it was beautiful! they had so much land! when you stood on their porch you could see beautiful buildings/monuments and the mountains. i got to take a lot of awesome pictures that day. and i got to feed and photograph a wild peacock and it was awesome!! we got home very late that night and i was EXHAUSTED!

on the 20th, it was my host sister's actual birthday and we went to cajas. a national park. 20 (or maybe even more) of her friends, all packed into cars (including myself) and we were off. i'm extremely glad i took my altitude meds that day because we did some climbing around in the mountains. most of natalia's friends climbed as high as they could go...while some others, including myself, decided to stay back a little ways. i was already super tired from climbing as high as i already had. you will never understand altitude sickness until you experience it. i listened to my ipod and layed down for a little bit...and i dont know many people who can say they've took a nap in the andes mountains. :) we eventually ventured back down and then went out to eat.

driving here in ecuador is absolutely crazy. sometimes it's fun and sometimes its scary. people here drive really fast and seat belts aren't necessary, but of course i always wear mine. people here looove honking their horns. sometimes i wonder if people just honk their horn because they are bored.

on the 22nd i went out with maria cecilia and her friend galo. we went to a mall and got stuff to drink trying to find something to do. and then we decided to go find somewhere to eat nachos..and they were very good. :)

language here is tough to adjust to. they use their slang so of course it's extremely hard to pick up on. i do what i can and i have gotten a lot better. luckily, most of the people i've met are very good at speaking english. and help me a ton.

yesterday i went to a religious festival which was awesome. there were fireworks and tons and tons of people. it was absolutely beautiful.

you all keep asking me what's different about ecuador and the truth is...everything. every time i step outside, i see something different and i can't believe how far away from home i really am. and i can't believe that i made it here all by myself. it's one of those things that happens once in a lifetime. i miss all of my friends a lot..and my dog...and i wish i had my guitar more than anything in the whole entire world. i've been writing a ton and everyday i find something different to photograph.

i have a host family of 5 people. i have my host mom, dad, and brothers; joaquin who is 14 and juan alfredo who is 17 and then my host sister, natalia who just turned 16 and will be coming back with me to the USA for a month.

to all of my friends who miss me i miss you too a ton and thank you for encouraging me to go on this trip and take a risk and be what i've always wanted to be...

Fearless. <3

tomorrow is another day and i will write soon!

love, love, love,
ashley

A Loss For Words

So how was everyone's rapture day?
Hahah I love saying that.

I haven't written in over a month.
I'm not going to Spain, Italy...or France.
But I am going to Ecuador.

I'm not writing because of that.
I'm not writing to make some joke about how Harold Camping forgot to carry the 1 for his mathematical calculation of our death. (Sorry, had to)
I'm not writing to tell you about how I'm taking some trip to Ecuador.

I'm writing because I wish things were simple.
Simple like the worst case scenario being falling off of your bike.
Something that a 5 year old would consider "tragic"
Something that teenagers would look at and say, "Not a big deal."

I can clearly remember being 4 and wanting nothing more than to be a teenager.
They were just so cool.
They could drive, and date, and do what seemed to be just about everything.

In fact: When I was in 3rd grade, my friend Becky and I made up a rule that on Fridays we would dress like teenagers. I'm not exactly sure what that meant. But we some how managed to think that we did a good job. (Shout out to you Beck- I miss you. :])

Things aren't simple now.
In fact, every day...they get more and more complicated.
I'm simply at a loss for words.
I can't explain how complicated things are.

I was planning on writing more...
But.
I am at a loss for words.