Best Friends

over the last 18 years of my life.
i've really started to learn what a friend is.
and i wish i would have learned sooner.
and sometimes i wish i would have learned it easier, too.

but you know everyone really has to have a bad friend before they know what it's like to have a good friend. truth is: people are going to walk into your life.
and more often than not, they'll slam the door on the way out.
they won't apologize.
they won't ask if you're okay.
and they won't be there for you when you really need them most.

some will stay for a long time.
and others not so much.
it's funny though, you know?
because what i've started to learn... is that the more bad friends i have... the better friend *I* become for others.

but i really think people should start learning what a friend is.
i guess i've just started to realize how much people sell themself short.
they let people claim that they're friends with them, when they're not.
i know what it's like to have pity friends.
and i know that sometimes, it just feels nice to pretend someone's there.
but in the long run you only wind up being reminded of how alone you felt in the first place.

nothing makes me more sick than people being constantly used, put down, backstabbed, let down or hurt by their "best friend".
losing people isn't easy you know.
and i guess i've learned the hard way.

i think the best feeling is having friends that are always there.
friends that you know you can say anything to at anytime and they will listen.
your stories can be told over a thousand times and they will still listen
and care, too.

i think best friends are people you can confide in.
someone you can say anything to and at the end of the day
they will still take you for who you are.

i think best friends are people who will always forgive you when you say you're sorry
and i think best friends are people who know when you mean it, too.

i think friends are people who know you're not okay by the way you are speaking.
but i think best friends are people who know you're not okay when you're not saying anything at all.

best friends are people who know about all of your struggles and worries.
they are people who don't tell you how to get through them,
because they are right there going through them with you.

no matter how long it takes.

best friends are people who don't just listen to everything you say.
they listen to everything you don't say, too.
which i think sometimes means more.

i think best friends are people who won't leave you or get mad at you
even when you make the same mistakes over and over again
even when they say, "i told you so."

i think best friends will be there every time after you make a mistake.
even if it is just to say, "i told you so." one more time.

for me,
friends are really really important.

in the past i didn't have very many.
so when i did, it was the most comforting thing to know i had someone just to listen.

what i've learned is that i really don't need one hundred friends to be happy.
even just one.

i think if you have just ONE friend that is there for you no matter what.
if you have just one friend that is good enough to be there for you even after saying,
"i told you so." or, "you said you wouldn't do that anymore."

then i really think you've got it all.

burned bridges and the spaces between

i haven't written anything on here in almost three months.
wow.
i really don't like that.

the reason i haven't...
is because i get all of these ideas on what i want to write about
but i never know where i want to start.

not only do i struggle with saying what i want to say...
but i also struggle with knowing how to say it.
when it comes to writing, i am a perfectionist.

anyone who knows me well enough knows that when it comes to writing i am obsessed.
i don't stop writing something until i have filled a page, made my point clear, or have everything perfect.

i think the one thing i've really wanted to write about for the longest time is learning how to accept things you can't change.
i think there is nothing harder than accepting something you can't change and knowing when it's time to walk away.

you can't keep someone in your life if they don't want to stay.
if your bridge with them is burned and they don't want to rebuild
you can't make them.

i think the worst part of letting go of someone is feeling like you weren't worth it for them to stay.
the worst part is when they know you want them to stay, and they see you hurting
and they keep going.

they leave you.
and for the last few months i've spent so much time writing and writing and finding the right words to say to people to make them change their minds and to make them stay.
to make them fix things and make things how they used to be.

and i can't begin to count how many times i have heard,
"you will find someone else."
"the bridge is burned and can't be built again."

but i don't want some else.
and i know the bridge is burned.

and in the same moment i realized i realized i need to let go
i realized the burned bridge had gone and now there is just a space between.