so i 've never really done a "How to" before...and I never really planned on it.
But you'll see why I am pretty soon.
to make a long story short on the way home from Ecuador I accidentally left my journal that I had been writing in for the past 8 months in on my plane. it is gone now and every little thing i wrote since november until july 18th is gone. and writing to me is super important. when i have a journal, it is practically a book of secrets. i write every little thing in my journals, and i have since 7th grade. that journal was my 6th, but now i have to have a new 6th. which i haven't started yet. and i'll get to that reason, too. my friends always tell me when i try to remember something "i don't know, look it up in your journal." and there it is. the answer to my question. the answer to who said what, who did what, where it happened, when...all of it is there. and when my host mom told me that she felt like i was losing my best friend when i lost it...i realized she was right.
i thought for sure at first that i left it in the apartment i stayed at in guayaquil, everyone was banking on it being there. a couple weeks later i learn that it's not there. and a week after that. it hit me that i had left it on my plane. i called miami airport lost and found over and over and over and never got an answer. and just recently, one day, i did. it's not at a lost and found. and i wont get it back. whether it is thrown away or in someone else's hands. it will never be in mine where i really want it to be.
and it might sound pathetic, and you might laugh...but if you knew me, you would understand why i cried so hard when i found out it was gone. i wrote in there while i was in ecuador, and my second host sister wrote me notes in there in spanish.
the day i found out that the search for it was over and that nothing could be done, i called my friend and had explained to her that it's gone. she didn't have much to say, which i sort of expected because there really isn't much to say besides "wow, that sucks."
after being miserable for 2 days about it. and after thinking about it. it sort of started to make sense. i'm not really one of those people who believes in "signs" of things. or all that fate stuff. or destiny or whatever you would like to call it. but long story short, i had a lot of rough stuff happen to me towards the end of my trip. (nothing there) mostly like drama with other people. (well, one person...and if you someday find this, buddy...i hope you know that you are a jerk and deserve to be alone.)
my friend kept telling me how much she thought it would be good for me to start over. and how it would be so easy to let go of the bad things that happened throughout my junior year and time writing in that journal. every thing really made sense. i realized i should start writing again, and write everything about ecuador and in regards to the other months throughout junior year...i don't need to remember specifics. because in reality: whatever i remember is what's important and matters to me anyway.
another thing that i find pretty spectacular is my 365 project, i can use it to help me remember what happened when. some pictures correspond with events. others i just remember the day of taking it and what happened that day.
so here is my HOW TO part...(if you're expecting something super moving, emotional, something that will change your life etc...you are in the wrong spot, my friend.)
1. stop holding grudges: the journals for me make it hard to let go because i can read back on exactly what people said and did. and then it's hard to forget. so irregardless of whether you write or not. stop holding grudges. you gain nothing from them at all. quit fooling yourself into thinking it's helpful.
2. eliminate people from your life who don't deserve a place in it: self-explanatory.
3. SAY YOU'RE SORRY. it costs nothing. if you have anything to be sorry for, just say so. it costs you absolutely nothing. and you lose nothing either. in fact, you will feel better. i promise.
4. figure out what matters to you...or who matters to you. and then stop worrying about everybody else.
5. take risks. if you want to get to know someone better, you better start it now. because they might never know.
6. ask questions: if you never ask. the answer is always "no"
7. forgive yourself. whatever happened in the past doesn't matter now because you can't rewind time to fix your mistakes. you can't rewind time for anything.
because if we could rewind time, i'd probably go back and get my journal. :)
