Imperfection

so it's clearly been awhile since i have used my blog
and several people have been asking why
and to answer your question:
it is because i've been struggling as a writer to get my points across as well as i used to

after tossing and turning for a few weeks about what i want to write about
i think i have finally figured it out
after taking everything i want to say
and narrowing it down to what i want people to hear me say

i have come to this.
Perfection.

i'm in college now
well, a technical college.
and i'd hate to say it but all the changes i was promised

are not here.

it seems that no matter where i am
and no matter where i go
people continue to do their best at pointing out my insecurities

for starters, i am sure all of you who know me, or are friends with me on facebook...
are thinking "oh my gosh, Ashley is so negative"
maybe if you'd listen to what i am saying you'd understand why.

getting my hopes up never ends well
being realistic is considered being negative
not feeling anything at all is "not caring"

it's like i can't win.

no matter how i see or handle a situation...
someone always has something critical to say about how i'm doing it.
the saying "do your thing" and "be yourself" isn't so easy when everyone is breathing down your back.

so i don't take my own advice.
in fact, i barely take any.

i learn from my own mistakes. people can tell me not to do things one million times, and until i find out why i shouldn't ON MY OWN. i'll keep doing it.

it's that "you are purposely hurting yourself" thing...
you all know what i am talking about i am sure.

it's a little hard to be yourself when everybody is telling you and your friends who and what you are.

people always leave.
they find out my flaws.
they don't like them.
they leave.

i got a tattoo in august, it's a tattoo i have always wanted.
"Fearless" is what it says.
so many people have made the comment "that's pointless"
do you know what i love about it so much?

it will stay.

last time i heard, college was supposed to be about finding yourself.
and really all i've found is people who try to tell me who i am.
and who continuously point out what i was already told in high school.
and middle school.
and elementary school.

"So fix it:" they tell me.
they say "Take all the things people point out about you that you don't like...and change them."
and that's what i did.
or tried.

and after months and months of trying.
it's been confirmed that those flaws are still there.
those little things that bother people about me still exist.

"not everybody is going to like you for exactly who you are, ashley"

i don't want everybody, you guys.

i just want somebody.