Patience

patience is a weird thing you know.
something that typically i am not very good at.
for me, patience often means to wait to say something.

waiting my turn to speak has never been easy.
waiting to speak at all, actually.

i used to be one of the most straight forward people i knew.
i would tell someone how i felt about them within a few weeks.
maybe days.
and because of past experiences this year, i thought that i would be even more so like that.

wrong.

over the last few months i can confidently say...
i have become a professional at bottling up my feelings for someone.
i decided that this time, i would let people tell me how they felt instead of me doing the talking.
what i am finding is that i'm learning a lot about patience.
what i'm also finding is that i'm way more patient than i really am.

the thing is, for me...
feelings for people either weaken or strengthen.
and the more that time goes on... typically they get stronger.
but this time around for me...
after waiting this long to hear how someone feels about me...
because i have PROMISED i won't speak first...
i think they're weakening. the problem is.
i don't want them to.

but you know something?

 i'm over it.

an early farewell to high school

it's funny how not too long ago i was telling myself i wouldn't miss high school.
and in the big picture, i don't think i will.
i can't say i was ever treated the best.

and i can't say i got the best grades.
was on honor roll.
got awards.
was the superstar athlete.

in fact, i can't really say much at all.

but after a few months of finding new people to talk to.
and things to do.
i found myself with a group of new friends at a basketball game.

freshman and sophomore year i never went to a single game.
you couldn't pay me to go...
because i would have sat alone.

but with this year now that i've found a place. sort of.
i think i've started to realize something.

if you tell yourself you hate high school.
you will.

it takes so much less effort to just work with what you have than to fight trying to make things better.

i'm sure most of you read that thinking "Duh"

you'll never listen to any lessons people tell you, until you tell them to yourself.

if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

over these last few months i've started noticing all the GOOD things about high school.
and all of the other good things like new friends and the fun things we've done.

a few weeks ago, after a boys state basketball game someone was saying how fun our student section is.
and it really is the most fun place to be during a game.
i thought to myself "man. i can't wait until next year."
there isn't another year here for me.

teachers making announcements about sign ups for traveling abroad.
"sign me up!" i'll think. until i realize i won't be here.

and the few underclassmen i've friended, how i won't see them every day anymore.

so will i miss high school?

okay, maybe a little. :)

Invisible

Invisible is when someone in class says, “Hey, does anyone have a pen or pencil?” and I loudly and clearly say, “Yeah. Here, you can use mine.” And the person keeps searching for one and asking people.

Invisible is when I drop all my things in the hall and people keep walking, and even step on the things I dropped.

Invisible is when I don’t initiate conversation with anyone for a long time to see if they’ll notice, initiate conversation on their own… or wonder why…and they don’t.

Invisible is when I’m walking down the hallway crying and nobody asks what’s wrong.

Invisible is when I walk past some guy I like and smile and he keeps walking as if I didn’t acknowledge him either.

Invisible is when the guy I like knows I want to get to know him and talk to him, and instead, he makes an effort to do the exact opposite and distance himself and ignore me even more. (You know who you are.)

Invisible is when something is being passed around the classroom for students to see, and it isn’t passed to me. And then when I say, “I didn’t see it.” No one pays attention and keeps passing it around.

Invisible is when the group next to me is having a pretty open conversation that several are jumping into, and when I jump in and say something that could be a valid point, or something to go off of, and nobody even seems to hear me.

Invisible is when I’m telling a story to the teacher or class about something dealing with what we’re learning about, and people branch off into their own conversation and it seems as though I hear my own voice fade and feel like I’m talking to myself.

Invisible is when I’m gone for 3 days from a class, and when I ask the person who sits next to me, “Hey, what was the homework, and what did we go over?” and they say, “You were gone?”

Invisible is when every time I text someone just a simple, “Hey.” And they don’t reply. And even though of course this isn’t a big deal…it adds up.

Invisible is when I make a valid point in class, it’s disregarded, and then the person after me says the exact same thing and everyone says, “Oh! That’s a good point!”

Invisible is when people complain that I do things for attention, when in fact I’m just doing them because I want to. And with that being said, I think everyone does every thing for attention. Besides, if I really thought I got any positive attention, I don’t think I’d be posting this now.

Invisible is when I leave someone a voicemail and say, “…call me back!” and they don’t. They don’t even acknowledge that I called. Or sent a text like, “You called?” And I understand people are busy, and I understand the world doesn’t revolve around me. I’m talking about on multiple occasions for the same people. (You also know who you are.)

Invisible is when I finally bring up enough courage to talk to someone I want to get to know, and just as I’m about to do it, someone cuts me off and starts talking to them before I even finish my first word.

Invisible is wondering what the difference really would be if I was here or wasn't.

Or if people would notice.

That’s invisible.
That’s what it feels like.

Forward

Your mom hugs me as I walk into the front door of your home.
She tells me she knew how much you meant to me.
Yet I still feel like I should have told you.

Your sister, my best friend, starts crying even harder when she sees me.
She knows that who I grew up with, idolized, and really liked, is gone.
She tells me you loved me, and everyone else.
You loved everyone.
And that's what hurts the most.
Knowing that so many people would've done anything to help you.

Your older sister comes into the room and hugs me, too.
I have never felt so sorry for someone in my whole entire life.
She cries, and I start crying, too.
Even though, just a few minutes ago, I had stopped.

Everything stopped after my mom told me what happened to you.
Everything for everyone who knew you stopped.
And maybe that's why over the last few days I've looked around.
At people who didn't know you and thought.

Their life never stopped that day.
They didn't get to know you.
I was lucky, I got to have you in my life.
I got to grow up with you, and live next door to you.

You were such a selfless person.
The best neighbor I could ever ask for in my whole entire life.
Everyone who met you liked you.
I don't think I've ever met a person that knew you, that didn't like you.

I know in my heart that had I ever needed anything from you.
You would have done it.
And everyone else who was close with you, knows that too.

We all know you didn't mean to do what you did.
We all know you don't want us all to feel this way.
And we all have questions for you.
Ones that can't be answered.

I had so much I was planning to talk to you about had you come home for Thanksgiving.
Whether it was scary or not, it bugged me you didn't know how much you meant to me, so I wanted to tell you.
I wanted to play a song I wrote for you, too.

But that won't happen.

Everyone in this little town has an “I should have...”
Everyone also has a “What if I would've...” or “If only I had...”
But we can't go back in time.
One of life's biggest problems.

Because if that were the case.
You'd be here.
And everyone's heart who broke on November 6th
Wouldn't be so broken anymore.

You have taught all of us something from this.
You sure taught me things even when you were around.
But I can't express enough how grateful I am to have known you.

I can't even believe that this is real.
I've spent so much time over the last few days just waiting to wake up.
Hoping that this was just all one big dream.

Nightmare, actually.

You had something every girl looked for in a guy.

Actually, you didn't have just something...
Everything in you was what girls looked for in a guy.
Everything in you was what someone looked for in a friend.

You touched so many people's lives and I wish you realized it.
You were so modest about everything you did.

I remember being younger and watching you from my kitchen window do wheelies on your dirt bike.
Your mom called after you, “Wear a helmet!!!!”
You were so cool. You still are the coolest guy I have ever known.
I felt like I knew a celebrity at that age, and the best part was he lived next door.
And knew he knew my name.

You were everyone's someone.
And you meant something to everyone.
And to some people, it seemed like you meant everything.
Like to me.

The next couple days went by.
And your house was filled with sadness and unconditional love.
When I told my friends what happened, they all cried too.
Because they knew how highly I thought of you, and how much I really liked you.

My friends are going to miss you, too.
Even though they never met you.
They'll miss the cheap thrills.

The late nights we would sit outside.
Whispering "I wonder when he's gonna be home."
And when we would hear your truck.
We'd all freak out and run inside.

Such a cheap thrill.

My best friend and I once sat outside on your basketball court.
Waiting for you and my dad to get home.
"Maybe, we can like ask him to play basketball with us or something."
She wanted to meet you.
I just wanted to talk to you.
My little brother ruined that plan.

We did see you though.

And you were smiling.

Your visitation shook everyone really hard.
It was the evidence that what had happened really happened.
It wasn't just a dream like we were all hoping it would be.

You didn't look like yourself.
But I knew it was you.
And that's when all of us realized it was real.

But you aren't gone.
You're still here. Not the way we want.
But you are.

I can feel it. All of us can.
I see so much of you in all of my friends.
And I hope everyone sees some of you in their friends.
I know you're working through everyone to make us all happy.

Things aren't going to be the same.
Things are going to change.
And they're not going to be easy.

All of us came together for your funeral.
Sniffles heard throughout the church.
Sounds of sobbing and broken hearts.

The priest had to catch his breath because he was crying, too.

Everyone there had to be there for each other.

And I felt you there when I realized I had just hugged your ex-girlfriend who I didn't even get along with.
We both hugged each other and simultaneously said “I'm sorry”
Forgiveness.
And a bridge that had been broken, was just starting to be repaired.

All for you.

Whether people are religious or not.
We can all agree that you made that happen.
You saw it happen, too.
I know you'd be happy to see it.

I see your best friend, roommate, and cousins roll your casket out of the church.
And it shakes me to try to think what they're feeling.
And it shook others to try to think what I was feeling, too.

No one in that room could relate the feelings they had because they were all different.
Everyone had a different connection to you.
But all of them said the same words to describe you.
Words like: Sweet, gentleman, loving, caring, helpful, polite, nice, genuine, charming, hard working, upbeat, positive, smiley.

Happy.

It broke me so much to think of all of the little things I wouldn't be around.
Especially in the summer.

Seeing you outside with your dad, working on your truck together.
And your dad showing you how to do things.
And every time you would finally figure something out

You'd smile.

Little things like your truck driving up the street.
The loudness of the engine and the rattling noise of whatever was in the back.
The sound of you slamming your truck door.
The way you chased after your dog as he ran into my backyard.

Of course, me being me, I was just thinking about how great it was.
Since maybe you'd talk to me.
You would
"Hey, Ashley"
You would always say my name, which was perfect since when I talked to you
I probably couldn't remember what it was.

I'm gonna miss that, too.

When you'd sit on your deck with your sister and I.
And you'd show me your middle-school like magic tricks
Even though you'd done several of them to me when we were younger.

Your laugh and your smile will never be replaced.
I promise, I will never forget them.
Or you.

Other simple things like you standing outside impressed with your friends' sound systems in their car.
You'd all stand around one and it seemed as though you'd see how loud you could make the bass go.
Then you'd all get in and drive off.

And I'd sit at home in my room thinking about how much I wanted to spend my own time with you.
Getting to know more about you.
Besides what I was already into.

There are of course things I missed about you even when you were alive.
Things like neighborhood games of t-ball, kick the can.
Or that game of spud we all used to play.

Begging your sister to talk you into getting me flowers for my birthday.
Every year I'd cross my fingers in hope that maybe, someday it would happen.
But you were far too nice to lead me on.

At the time I was upset.
But now I realize in a way
You were looking out for me.

Every time I remember talking to you or being around you.
It was sunny outside.

Except for the time we were out on your deck eating and there was a tornado watch.
It was Friday the 13th.
You, your sister and I all got into one of your vehicles and went to rent a movie.

You made up some elaborate Friday the 13th story.
You were flying and you saw UFOs picking up cars.
And kidnapping people.

I laughed.
And you laughed, too.

You were such a unique person.
I can't say I've never met or heard about another person like you.
I remember when I was in 4th grade I asked you what you thought about girls
You were riding around in your garage on your trick bike.

You shrugged and said
"I don't know, they're just people."
You were in only the 6th grade when you said that.

A typical response from a 6th grade boy
Would not be something like that.
But you were no typical boy.

Building forts in the woods out back our houses.
You were always the one left in charge of carrying the large pieces of wood.
One time you, your sister, my brother and I all built a really cool one.

There are still remains of it today.

When I got my dog,and we all played outside.
When we all pretended she was evil and had to run from her.
She barked like crazy and we all sat on your basement floor laughing.
That day was so much fun.

Everyday spent around you was fun.

The coolest guy I've ever met.
You.

Racing cars.
Flying planes.
Owning a dirt bike.

Watching you race was so exciting.
That boy in that #32 race car.
My next door neighbor.
He talked to me, smiled at me and made me feel noticed.

You were like a big brother to me.
With the exception of me being into you.
I know when it came down to it, even though I drove you crazy.
You would look out for me.

You loved me.
And maybe not exactly the way I wanted you to.
But you did.
And I love you, too.

When you were buried there weren't as many people there as there were at the church service.
A small close circle stood around your resting place.
Some people stood with their arms around each other. Together.
Others stood alone.

Some cried to the point where they had to cover their face.
Others stood numb.

The group tapered down as we were told there was a lunch back at the church.

As my family got into our car I looked out the passenger window and saw people touching your casket.
Some leaning up against it crying.
Saying their final goodbye.
It hit me that that's the last time I will ever see you again.

Life didn't stop that day you died for those who didn't know you.
They didn't get that phone call.
The heartbreaking news.
But life doesn't stop for anything.
Whether it's happy or not.

Life only goes one way.
Forward.

So this is for you, neighbor.
Forward I go.

I love you <3

Backwards Determination

it's almost humorous when people tell me i can't do things
"you won't be able to do that because...

...you're not strong enough"
...your grades"
...your parents said you can't"
...i don't think you're ready for it"

but it's funny you know, because every time someone tells me i can't do something
or something off of that list
i do everything in my power just to prove them wrong.
it actually determines me.

so attention stupid math teacher, thanks for telling me i won't make it into UW-Milwaukee.

your negativity and doubt are bound to push me to get there

...and it's funny because you don't even know it

you'll see :)

Push

i wish i didn't feel like the only person in the world who always has to push an issue super hard just to get someone to look my way.

or an even more practical situation would be something like me just trying to get someone to talk to me or LISTEN to me.

i have to practically kick and scream just to get someone to listen.
and if they complain about that. i have to whisper.
i can't ever just talk.
always pushing to get to someone.

and just when i almost get where i want to be.
something pulls me back.


push. pull. push.

and just when i'm on the edge and i need someone to pull me back.

they push.

dear mr. heartbreaker...

Dear Mr. Heartbreaker...

I have had enough now.
Enough of me going back to you, and you going back to me.
Enough of you making me feel like a fool for going back.
Enough of your cruel words making me feel small and helpless.
Enough of you telling my friends that I'm a "Fucking disgusting bitch"
Enough of you leading me on.
Enough of you kissing me just like I had always pictured.
Enough of you claiming you would be mine once I returned home from Ecuador.
and then changing your mind and going back to the girl you think you love.

Who do you think you are walking around with your charming personality snatching girls' hearts by just once glance?

I hope you find this.

I hope that I live up to your title of me.
I hope that you are getting exactly what you wanted right now.
Me. Heartbroken. Congratulations, sir.

But I have news for you...

You are not what you think you are.
Girls think you are so charming and sweet and handsome.
And you're not.

You walk through this world thinking you're the best.
You once told me you considered dating a game.
Is it something like...

The object of the game is to break as many hearts as possible??

Well, let me tell you something...

Every time you break a heart...gold coins don't fall down where that girl once stood. This isn't a game. Love isn't a game. Lust isn't a game. Nothing is a game.

I hope that you are happy.
I hope that you are happy that you have made people think I am crazy, and that I'm not who I am.
I hope you know that every time you do this, my BEST friend even gets fed up with it.

I hope you are glad that at one point in time, you actually had me believing that I deserved someone like you.

So call me everything you want to. I'm sure I've heard it all.

But you are mean, rude, disgusting, a liar, a player, and a jerk.

So Mr. Heartbreaker...

What makes you think you're so special after all?