Forward

Your mom hugs me as I walk into the front door of your home.
She tells me she knew how much you meant to me.
Yet I still feel like I should have told you.

Your sister, my best friend, starts crying even harder when she sees me.
She knows that who I grew up with, idolized, and really liked, is gone.
She tells me you loved me, and everyone else.
You loved everyone.
And that's what hurts the most.
Knowing that so many people would've done anything to help you.

Your older sister comes into the room and hugs me, too.
I have never felt so sorry for someone in my whole entire life.
She cries, and I start crying, too.
Even though, just a few minutes ago, I had stopped.

Everything stopped after my mom told me what happened to you.
Everything for everyone who knew you stopped.
And maybe that's why over the last few days I've looked around.
At people who didn't know you and thought.

Their life never stopped that day.
They didn't get to know you.
I was lucky, I got to have you in my life.
I got to grow up with you, and live next door to you.

You were such a selfless person.
The best neighbor I could ever ask for in my whole entire life.
Everyone who met you liked you.
I don't think I've ever met a person that knew you, that didn't like you.

I know in my heart that had I ever needed anything from you.
You would have done it.
And everyone else who was close with you, knows that too.

We all know you didn't mean to do what you did.
We all know you don't want us all to feel this way.
And we all have questions for you.
Ones that can't be answered.

I had so much I was planning to talk to you about had you come home for Thanksgiving.
Whether it was scary or not, it bugged me you didn't know how much you meant to me, so I wanted to tell you.
I wanted to play a song I wrote for you, too.

But that won't happen.

Everyone in this little town has an “I should have...”
Everyone also has a “What if I would've...” or “If only I had...”
But we can't go back in time.
One of life's biggest problems.

Because if that were the case.
You'd be here.
And everyone's heart who broke on November 6th
Wouldn't be so broken anymore.

You have taught all of us something from this.
You sure taught me things even when you were around.
But I can't express enough how grateful I am to have known you.

I can't even believe that this is real.
I've spent so much time over the last few days just waiting to wake up.
Hoping that this was just all one big dream.

Nightmare, actually.

You had something every girl looked for in a guy.

Actually, you didn't have just something...
Everything in you was what girls looked for in a guy.
Everything in you was what someone looked for in a friend.

You touched so many people's lives and I wish you realized it.
You were so modest about everything you did.

I remember being younger and watching you from my kitchen window do wheelies on your dirt bike.
Your mom called after you, “Wear a helmet!!!!”
You were so cool. You still are the coolest guy I have ever known.
I felt like I knew a celebrity at that age, and the best part was he lived next door.
And knew he knew my name.

You were everyone's someone.
And you meant something to everyone.
And to some people, it seemed like you meant everything.
Like to me.

The next couple days went by.
And your house was filled with sadness and unconditional love.
When I told my friends what happened, they all cried too.
Because they knew how highly I thought of you, and how much I really liked you.

My friends are going to miss you, too.
Even though they never met you.
They'll miss the cheap thrills.

The late nights we would sit outside.
Whispering "I wonder when he's gonna be home."
And when we would hear your truck.
We'd all freak out and run inside.

Such a cheap thrill.

My best friend and I once sat outside on your basketball court.
Waiting for you and my dad to get home.
"Maybe, we can like ask him to play basketball with us or something."
She wanted to meet you.
I just wanted to talk to you.
My little brother ruined that plan.

We did see you though.

And you were smiling.

Your visitation shook everyone really hard.
It was the evidence that what had happened really happened.
It wasn't just a dream like we were all hoping it would be.

You didn't look like yourself.
But I knew it was you.
And that's when all of us realized it was real.

But you aren't gone.
You're still here. Not the way we want.
But you are.

I can feel it. All of us can.
I see so much of you in all of my friends.
And I hope everyone sees some of you in their friends.
I know you're working through everyone to make us all happy.

Things aren't going to be the same.
Things are going to change.
And they're not going to be easy.

All of us came together for your funeral.
Sniffles heard throughout the church.
Sounds of sobbing and broken hearts.

The priest had to catch his breath because he was crying, too.

Everyone there had to be there for each other.

And I felt you there when I realized I had just hugged your ex-girlfriend who I didn't even get along with.
We both hugged each other and simultaneously said “I'm sorry”
Forgiveness.
And a bridge that had been broken, was just starting to be repaired.

All for you.

Whether people are religious or not.
We can all agree that you made that happen.
You saw it happen, too.
I know you'd be happy to see it.

I see your best friend, roommate, and cousins roll your casket out of the church.
And it shakes me to try to think what they're feeling.
And it shook others to try to think what I was feeling, too.

No one in that room could relate the feelings they had because they were all different.
Everyone had a different connection to you.
But all of them said the same words to describe you.
Words like: Sweet, gentleman, loving, caring, helpful, polite, nice, genuine, charming, hard working, upbeat, positive, smiley.

Happy.

It broke me so much to think of all of the little things I wouldn't be around.
Especially in the summer.

Seeing you outside with your dad, working on your truck together.
And your dad showing you how to do things.
And every time you would finally figure something out

You'd smile.

Little things like your truck driving up the street.
The loudness of the engine and the rattling noise of whatever was in the back.
The sound of you slamming your truck door.
The way you chased after your dog as he ran into my backyard.

Of course, me being me, I was just thinking about how great it was.
Since maybe you'd talk to me.
You would
"Hey, Ashley"
You would always say my name, which was perfect since when I talked to you
I probably couldn't remember what it was.

I'm gonna miss that, too.

When you'd sit on your deck with your sister and I.
And you'd show me your middle-school like magic tricks
Even though you'd done several of them to me when we were younger.

Your laugh and your smile will never be replaced.
I promise, I will never forget them.
Or you.

Other simple things like you standing outside impressed with your friends' sound systems in their car.
You'd all stand around one and it seemed as though you'd see how loud you could make the bass go.
Then you'd all get in and drive off.

And I'd sit at home in my room thinking about how much I wanted to spend my own time with you.
Getting to know more about you.
Besides what I was already into.

There are of course things I missed about you even when you were alive.
Things like neighborhood games of t-ball, kick the can.
Or that game of spud we all used to play.

Begging your sister to talk you into getting me flowers for my birthday.
Every year I'd cross my fingers in hope that maybe, someday it would happen.
But you were far too nice to lead me on.

At the time I was upset.
But now I realize in a way
You were looking out for me.

Every time I remember talking to you or being around you.
It was sunny outside.

Except for the time we were out on your deck eating and there was a tornado watch.
It was Friday the 13th.
You, your sister and I all got into one of your vehicles and went to rent a movie.

You made up some elaborate Friday the 13th story.
You were flying and you saw UFOs picking up cars.
And kidnapping people.

I laughed.
And you laughed, too.

You were such a unique person.
I can't say I've never met or heard about another person like you.
I remember when I was in 4th grade I asked you what you thought about girls
You were riding around in your garage on your trick bike.

You shrugged and said
"I don't know, they're just people."
You were in only the 6th grade when you said that.

A typical response from a 6th grade boy
Would not be something like that.
But you were no typical boy.

Building forts in the woods out back our houses.
You were always the one left in charge of carrying the large pieces of wood.
One time you, your sister, my brother and I all built a really cool one.

There are still remains of it today.

When I got my dog,and we all played outside.
When we all pretended she was evil and had to run from her.
She barked like crazy and we all sat on your basement floor laughing.
That day was so much fun.

Everyday spent around you was fun.

The coolest guy I've ever met.
You.

Racing cars.
Flying planes.
Owning a dirt bike.

Watching you race was so exciting.
That boy in that #32 race car.
My next door neighbor.
He talked to me, smiled at me and made me feel noticed.

You were like a big brother to me.
With the exception of me being into you.
I know when it came down to it, even though I drove you crazy.
You would look out for me.

You loved me.
And maybe not exactly the way I wanted you to.
But you did.
And I love you, too.

When you were buried there weren't as many people there as there were at the church service.
A small close circle stood around your resting place.
Some people stood with their arms around each other. Together.
Others stood alone.

Some cried to the point where they had to cover their face.
Others stood numb.

The group tapered down as we were told there was a lunch back at the church.

As my family got into our car I looked out the passenger window and saw people touching your casket.
Some leaning up against it crying.
Saying their final goodbye.
It hit me that that's the last time I will ever see you again.

Life didn't stop that day you died for those who didn't know you.
They didn't get that phone call.
The heartbreaking news.
But life doesn't stop for anything.
Whether it's happy or not.

Life only goes one way.
Forward.

So this is for you, neighbor.
Forward I go.

I love you <3

Backwards Determination

it's almost humorous when people tell me i can't do things
"you won't be able to do that because...

...you're not strong enough"
...your grades"
...your parents said you can't"
...i don't think you're ready for it"

but it's funny you know, because every time someone tells me i can't do something
or something off of that list
i do everything in my power just to prove them wrong.
it actually determines me.

so attention stupid math teacher, thanks for telling me i won't make it into UW-Milwaukee.

your negativity and doubt are bound to push me to get there

...and it's funny because you don't even know it

you'll see :)

Push

i wish i didn't feel like the only person in the world who always has to push an issue super hard just to get someone to look my way.

or an even more practical situation would be something like me just trying to get someone to talk to me or LISTEN to me.

i have to practically kick and scream just to get someone to listen.
and if they complain about that. i have to whisper.
i can't ever just talk.
always pushing to get to someone.

and just when i almost get where i want to be.
something pulls me back.


push. pull. push.

and just when i'm on the edge and i need someone to pull me back.

they push.

dear mr. heartbreaker...

Dear Mr. Heartbreaker...

I have had enough now.
Enough of me going back to you, and you going back to me.
Enough of you making me feel like a fool for going back.
Enough of your cruel words making me feel small and helpless.
Enough of you telling my friends that I'm a "Fucking disgusting bitch"
Enough of you leading me on.
Enough of you kissing me just like I had always pictured.
Enough of you claiming you would be mine once I returned home from Ecuador.
and then changing your mind and going back to the girl you think you love.

Who do you think you are walking around with your charming personality snatching girls' hearts by just once glance?

I hope you find this.

I hope that I live up to your title of me.
I hope that you are getting exactly what you wanted right now.
Me. Heartbroken. Congratulations, sir.

But I have news for you...

You are not what you think you are.
Girls think you are so charming and sweet and handsome.
And you're not.

You walk through this world thinking you're the best.
You once told me you considered dating a game.
Is it something like...

The object of the game is to break as many hearts as possible??

Well, let me tell you something...

Every time you break a heart...gold coins don't fall down where that girl once stood. This isn't a game. Love isn't a game. Lust isn't a game. Nothing is a game.

I hope that you are happy.
I hope that you are happy that you have made people think I am crazy, and that I'm not who I am.
I hope you know that every time you do this, my BEST friend even gets fed up with it.

I hope you are glad that at one point in time, you actually had me believing that I deserved someone like you.

So call me everything you want to. I'm sure I've heard it all.

But you are mean, rude, disgusting, a liar, a player, and a jerk.

So Mr. Heartbreaker...

What makes you think you're so special after all?

a football jersey

Last week on Friday, while walking through the hallway...
I heard two girls talking, they were both wearing football jerseys...
and one looked at the other and said, "well, next week I'M wearing _____'s jersey!!"

now this whole football jersey has always sort of confused me.
and maybe because i'm seeing it from the outside in since i've never worn one before.
but girls literally get all worked up over this?

to those of you out there reading this, if you've worn a jersey before...
don't act like at one time you haven't been a little worked up about it before.
you know, when you like a guy, and you really want his jersey, and then on friday, you see some other girl wearing it?

bummer, huh?

but i'm gonna be really up front with all you jersey freaks out there...
and if you're ready for the truth about what you're getting all stoked about...
then i'm ready to tell you.

you are getting worked up over a

white mesh t-shirt...
with a shiny blue number.


that's.
it.

bet you feel pretty special to be wearing one now, huh?

how to start over and let go.

so i 've never really done a "How to" before...and I never really planned on it.
But you'll see why I am pretty soon.

to make a long story short on the way home from Ecuador I accidentally left my journal that I had been writing in for the past 8 months in on my plane. it is gone now and every little thing i wrote since november until july 18th is gone. and writing to me is super important. when i have a journal, it is practically a book of secrets. i write every little thing in my journals, and i have since 7th grade. that journal was my 6th, but now i have to have a new 6th. which i haven't started yet. and i'll get to that reason, too. my friends always tell me when i try to remember something "i don't know, look it up in your journal." and there it is. the answer to my question. the answer to who said what, who did what, where it happened, when...all of it is there. and when my host mom told me that she felt like i was losing my best friend when i lost it...i realized she was right.

i thought for sure at first that i left it in the apartment i stayed at in guayaquil, everyone was banking on it being there. a couple weeks later i learn that it's not there. and a week after that. it hit me that i had left it on my plane. i called miami airport lost and found over and over and over and never got an answer. and just recently, one day, i did. it's not at a lost and found. and i wont get it back. whether it is thrown away or in someone else's hands. it will never be in mine where i really want it to be.

and it might sound pathetic, and you might laugh...but if you knew me, you would understand why i cried so hard when i found out it was gone. i wrote in there while i was in ecuador, and my second host sister wrote me notes in there in spanish.

the day i found out that the search for it was over and that nothing could be done, i called my friend and had explained to her that it's gone. she didn't have much to say, which i sort of expected because there really isn't much to say besides "wow, that sucks."

after being miserable for 2 days about it. and after thinking about it. it sort of started to make sense. i'm not really one of those people who believes in "signs" of things. or all that fate stuff. or destiny or whatever you would like to call it. but long story short, i had a lot of rough stuff happen to me towards the end of my trip. (nothing there) mostly like drama with other people. (well, one person...and if you someday find this, buddy...i hope you know that you are a jerk and deserve to be alone.)

my friend kept telling me how much she thought it would be good for me to start over. and how it would be so easy to let go of the bad things that happened throughout my junior year and time writing in that journal. every thing really made sense. i realized i should start writing again, and write everything about ecuador and in regards to the other months throughout junior year...i don't need to remember specifics. because in reality: whatever i remember is what's important and matters to me anyway.

another thing that i find pretty spectacular is my 365 project, i can use it to help me remember what happened when. some pictures correspond with events. others i just remember the day of taking it and what happened that day.

so here is my HOW TO part...(if you're expecting something super moving, emotional, something that will change your life etc...you are in the wrong spot, my friend.)

1. stop holding grudges: the journals for me make it hard to let go because i can read back on exactly what people said and did. and then it's hard to forget. so irregardless of whether you write or not. stop holding grudges. you gain nothing from them at all. quit fooling yourself into thinking it's helpful.
2. eliminate people from your life who don't deserve a place in it: self-explanatory.
3. SAY YOU'RE SORRY. it costs nothing. if you have anything to be sorry for, just say so. it costs you absolutely nothing. and you lose nothing either. in fact, you will feel better. i promise.
4. figure out what matters to you...or who matters to you. and then stop worrying about everybody else.
5. take risks. if you want to get to know someone better, you better start it now. because they might never know.
6. ask questions: if you never ask. the answer is always "no"
7. forgive yourself. whatever happened in the past doesn't matter now because you can't rewind time to fix your mistakes. you can't rewind time for anything.

because if we could rewind time, i'd probably go back and get my journal. :)

neck pains/awkward parties/accomplisments and a "how to"

seeing as though i haven't blogged in a long time i'll try to remember what's happened but considering that i do a billion things every single day, you might not get every single detail.

i should probably tell you why my title is the way it is...

a few days ago i randomly had this EXTREME neck pain. it felt internally swollen and sore. i really had no idea what it would have come from. all i knew is there was a party that night that i really wanted to go to. when the pain first started i was at my host grandma's house and my host sister (my old host sister's friend) i laid down for a little while and when i woke up it was gone so i figured it was over...which apparently was not the case because it got worse.

when we got back to her house i took some benedryl, watched a movie, drank some tea..and the benedrly hadn't even made me sleepy...i even took 2! my host sister had told me that i should try to get ready for the party and i decided that since my time here was coming to an end i should probably toughen up and go.

my host sister is extremely good at doing my hair and makeup. she did my hair and then told me to go lay down and wait for her to finish doing her hair..then she would do my makeup.

i laid down alright...and the second i laid down i felt myself falling into a deep sleep. 20 minutes later i heard her saying "okay! makeup!" the only thing i could think was "okay! sleep!" my host sister knew very well that there was no way i was going to that party. i climbed into my bed and the second my head hit the pillow i was out like a light.

for the next couple days my stupid neck pain kept hurting me...i missed a party the next night too that i was also planning on attending. i have never had a pain like that before. i dont know what it was or what it came from but i never want it again.

i now live with my old host sister's friend...maria cecilia. she is 17 and has 2 younger sisters. Sofi, who is 14 and Carolina...who goes by "caro" and she is 5. so i have always wanted an older sister..and a younger one...and now, i get both. and the best part is that my older sister shares all of her clothes and stuff with me so i basically feel like we're actually sisters. which is going to make it super hard to leave.

last night i went to a party and it was probably the most awkward party ever...hardly anyone was dancing which was weird because everyone here dances...i was super tired i hardly got any sleep before and EVERYONE wanted to talk to me and ask me questions.

one of the guys i had met at my old host sister's birthday party was there and he introduced me to a guy who lived in texas for awhile so he spoke english. he started to dance with me which was fine and then he said "im kind of a bad dancer" all of the guys here are super good at dancing so i just pulled the whole "haha its okay" ...but it wasn't. he. was. bad. he was so extremely awkward! i dont even think he was dancing to the beat of the music it was like he was playing one of those dance-dance revolution games. he also was holding me like we were doing some sort of walz....i think now is a good time for me to "go to the bathroom"

which is now where i present to you....

HOW TO AVOID DANCING WITH GUYS THAT ARE AWKWARD!:
1. Try this..."Do you want to dance?" "No, I think I'm gonna go eat." Avoid him for the rest of the party.
2. Pretend you don't know what he's saying. He's speaking a foreign language so it's expected that you won't always understand.
3. Dancing is against your religion...
4. Randomly stop dancing with him and hug the girl next to you acting like you haven't seen her in ages.
5. If he starts smoking...start coughing (this one works)
6. "Do you want to drink?" "If it'll make you leave me alone." (Take the drink but don't drink it.
7. "Do you have a boyfriend?" "I'm actually engaged."

and if none of those work you should probably leave the party.

and now...

my accomplishments since i've been here

1. i can understand what people are saying when theyre having a conversation...sort of.
2. i can get in a car and not wear my seatbelt...and not worry about it.
3. i can identify something clearly...color...shapes...designs.
4. i can dance like they do here.
5. i can quickly answer basic questions: how old are you, where are you from, what do you do for fun, do you have a boyfriend, do you drink, do you smoke...etc.
6. i can tell someone when i'm hungry or thirsty and what i want.
7. i can tell someone when something hurts me and what i need to make it better.
8. i can explain to someone why i have to take malaria pills.
9. i can speak spanish quickly and not speak EXTREMELY slow.
10. i can ask someone where we are going, what time we will be home...why we are going there.
11. i can ask someone how they slept.
12. i can tell someone i need to shower.
13. i can tell someone my clothes are dirty.
14. i can eat just about anything...i am pretty sure i've had about 3420394823094 different soups while here.
15. i can tell someone to give me something.
16. i can tell someone when i need something and what i need
17. i can tell someone how a party was, who was there, what it was like and what music was played.
18. i can deal with altitudes of 10,000ft AND live there for a month. BOOYA
19. i can leave my friends, family, dog...and guitar for a month.
20. i can fly abroad alone.
21. i walk on rocks in the mountains by a river and not die...OR break my camera.
22. i can responsibly handle excessive amounts of money and saving it (this is a huge accomplishment for me)
23. i can say no to drinking even when everyone else around me is doing it.

so basically i'm pretty awesome and i'm gonna be flying home in 5 days! see y'all soooon!!