speak now

“Real life is a funny thing you know. In real life saying the right thing, at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything.
I think you deserved to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, I could of but it’s too late now. So there’s a time for silent, and there a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say. You’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait.
I think you should speak now.”

- Taylor Swift

for the first time in my entire life

my definition of "Fearless" had been achieved

a borderline tell-all handwritten letter had been given

writing it was easy, it finally made me feel like i was speaking my mind.

giving it away was scary, the 3 seconds it took me to scribble a name in green sharpie on the front of the envelope was the scariest.

but the scariest and most exhilarating feeling was that the person it was meant for read it.

for the first time i wrote someone who meant something to me a letter

and it wasn't crumpled up and thrown in the back of my closet

or folded neatly and placed into a shoe box.

for me, the hardest lesson i've learned over this last year

is to never let a chance pass you to tell someone how much they mean to you

no matter how much it scares you

or no matter what they might say or do

tell them.

of course the dreaded fear of...

what will they say back?

will they say anything at all?

more often than not you will regret the things you didn't say to someone instead of the things you did.

eventually, one way or another it will come down to you saying...

"I could have told them...but now it's too late."

for the first time i did just that.

and maybe it didn't end the way i always exactly pictured something like that ending.

it could have been better

but it could have also been much much worse.

no matter the outcome

i don't regret it

and i know i would have regret saying nothing at all

so as Taylor Swift as said....

"...if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say. You’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait. I think you should speak now.”

out of reach

can someone please tell me
that i'm not the only person that only wants someone or something they can't have?
especially wanting someone you can't have.

but with both things.

you know you can't.
they have told you.
or you have been told.

but you keep chasing.
you keep chasing someone you'll never catch.
something you'll never get.

people will roll their eyes at me
"You can't have him"
"you can't have that"
but i keep chasing.

sitting. waiting. wishing.

maybe that's just something about me.
i hate when people give up on me so soon.
and i hate when i give up on people.
i keep waiting for a change that won't come.

and isn't it just the worst when either one are just out of reach?
at one point in time, you could have had them. or it. or whatever it is.
but you missed it.

people want you.
they stand there and say so.
or show they do.
and they stand and wait.
even if for a short time.
practically holding their hand out to you saying,
"come on, let's go"

and you sit around wondering if you should go.
and by the time you decide you want to.

they've left.

Imperfection

so it's clearly been awhile since i have used my blog
and several people have been asking why
and to answer your question:
it is because i've been struggling as a writer to get my points across as well as i used to

after tossing and turning for a few weeks about what i want to write about
i think i have finally figured it out
after taking everything i want to say
and narrowing it down to what i want people to hear me say

i have come to this.
Perfection.

i'm in college now
well, a technical college.
and i'd hate to say it but all the changes i was promised

are not here.

it seems that no matter where i am
and no matter where i go
people continue to do their best at pointing out my insecurities

for starters, i am sure all of you who know me, or are friends with me on facebook...
are thinking "oh my gosh, Ashley is so negative"
maybe if you'd listen to what i am saying you'd understand why.

getting my hopes up never ends well
being realistic is considered being negative
not feeling anything at all is "not caring"

it's like i can't win.

no matter how i see or handle a situation...
someone always has something critical to say about how i'm doing it.
the saying "do your thing" and "be yourself" isn't so easy when everyone is breathing down your back.

so i don't take my own advice.
in fact, i barely take any.

i learn from my own mistakes. people can tell me not to do things one million times, and until i find out why i shouldn't ON MY OWN. i'll keep doing it.

it's that "you are purposely hurting yourself" thing...
you all know what i am talking about i am sure.

it's a little hard to be yourself when everybody is telling you and your friends who and what you are.

people always leave.
they find out my flaws.
they don't like them.
they leave.

i got a tattoo in august, it's a tattoo i have always wanted.
"Fearless" is what it says.
so many people have made the comment "that's pointless"
do you know what i love about it so much?

it will stay.

last time i heard, college was supposed to be about finding yourself.
and really all i've found is people who try to tell me who i am.
and who continuously point out what i was already told in high school.
and middle school.
and elementary school.

"So fix it:" they tell me.
they say "Take all the things people point out about you that you don't like...and change them."
and that's what i did.
or tried.

and after months and months of trying.
it's been confirmed that those flaws are still there.
those little things that bother people about me still exist.

"not everybody is going to like you for exactly who you are, ashley"

i don't want everybody, you guys.

i just want somebody.

Patience

patience is a weird thing you know.
something that typically i am not very good at.
for me, patience often means to wait to say something.

waiting my turn to speak has never been easy.
waiting to speak at all, actually.

i used to be one of the most straight forward people i knew.
i would tell someone how i felt about them within a few weeks.
maybe days.
and because of past experiences this year, i thought that i would be even more so like that.

wrong.

over the last few months i can confidently say...
i have become a professional at bottling up my feelings for someone.
i decided that this time, i would let people tell me how they felt instead of me doing the talking.
what i am finding is that i'm learning a lot about patience.
what i'm also finding is that i'm way more patient than i really am.

the thing is, for me...
feelings for people either weaken or strengthen.
and the more that time goes on... typically they get stronger.
but this time around for me...
after waiting this long to hear how someone feels about me...
because i have PROMISED i won't speak first...
i think they're weakening. the problem is.
i don't want them to.

but you know something?

 i'm over it.

an early farewell to high school

it's funny how not too long ago i was telling myself i wouldn't miss high school.
and in the big picture, i don't think i will.
i can't say i was ever treated the best.

and i can't say i got the best grades.
was on honor roll.
got awards.
was the superstar athlete.

in fact, i can't really say much at all.

but after a few months of finding new people to talk to.
and things to do.
i found myself with a group of new friends at a basketball game.

freshman and sophomore year i never went to a single game.
you couldn't pay me to go...
because i would have sat alone.

but with this year now that i've found a place. sort of.
i think i've started to realize something.

if you tell yourself you hate high school.
you will.

it takes so much less effort to just work with what you have than to fight trying to make things better.

i'm sure most of you read that thinking "Duh"

you'll never listen to any lessons people tell you, until you tell them to yourself.

if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

over these last few months i've started noticing all the GOOD things about high school.
and all of the other good things like new friends and the fun things we've done.

a few weeks ago, after a boys state basketball game someone was saying how fun our student section is.
and it really is the most fun place to be during a game.
i thought to myself "man. i can't wait until next year."
there isn't another year here for me.

teachers making announcements about sign ups for traveling abroad.
"sign me up!" i'll think. until i realize i won't be here.

and the few underclassmen i've friended, how i won't see them every day anymore.

so will i miss high school?

okay, maybe a little. :)

Invisible

Invisible is when someone in class says, “Hey, does anyone have a pen or pencil?” and I loudly and clearly say, “Yeah. Here, you can use mine.” And the person keeps searching for one and asking people.

Invisible is when I drop all my things in the hall and people keep walking, and even step on the things I dropped.

Invisible is when I don’t initiate conversation with anyone for a long time to see if they’ll notice, initiate conversation on their own… or wonder why…and they don’t.

Invisible is when I’m walking down the hallway crying and nobody asks what’s wrong.

Invisible is when I walk past some guy I like and smile and he keeps walking as if I didn’t acknowledge him either.

Invisible is when the guy I like knows I want to get to know him and talk to him, and instead, he makes an effort to do the exact opposite and distance himself and ignore me even more. (You know who you are.)

Invisible is when something is being passed around the classroom for students to see, and it isn’t passed to me. And then when I say, “I didn’t see it.” No one pays attention and keeps passing it around.

Invisible is when the group next to me is having a pretty open conversation that several are jumping into, and when I jump in and say something that could be a valid point, or something to go off of, and nobody even seems to hear me.

Invisible is when I’m telling a story to the teacher or class about something dealing with what we’re learning about, and people branch off into their own conversation and it seems as though I hear my own voice fade and feel like I’m talking to myself.

Invisible is when I’m gone for 3 days from a class, and when I ask the person who sits next to me, “Hey, what was the homework, and what did we go over?” and they say, “You were gone?”

Invisible is when every time I text someone just a simple, “Hey.” And they don’t reply. And even though of course this isn’t a big deal…it adds up.

Invisible is when I make a valid point in class, it’s disregarded, and then the person after me says the exact same thing and everyone says, “Oh! That’s a good point!”

Invisible is when people complain that I do things for attention, when in fact I’m just doing them because I want to. And with that being said, I think everyone does every thing for attention. Besides, if I really thought I got any positive attention, I don’t think I’d be posting this now.

Invisible is when I leave someone a voicemail and say, “…call me back!” and they don’t. They don’t even acknowledge that I called. Or sent a text like, “You called?” And I understand people are busy, and I understand the world doesn’t revolve around me. I’m talking about on multiple occasions for the same people. (You also know who you are.)

Invisible is when I finally bring up enough courage to talk to someone I want to get to know, and just as I’m about to do it, someone cuts me off and starts talking to them before I even finish my first word.

Invisible is wondering what the difference really would be if I was here or wasn't.

Or if people would notice.

That’s invisible.
That’s what it feels like.