Best Friends

over the last 18 years of my life.
i've really started to learn what a friend is.
and i wish i would have learned sooner.
and sometimes i wish i would have learned it easier, too.

but you know everyone really has to have a bad friend before they know what it's like to have a good friend. truth is: people are going to walk into your life.
and more often than not, they'll slam the door on the way out.
they won't apologize.
they won't ask if you're okay.
and they won't be there for you when you really need them most.

some will stay for a long time.
and others not so much.
it's funny though, you know?
because what i've started to learn... is that the more bad friends i have... the better friend *I* become for others.

but i really think people should start learning what a friend is.
i guess i've just started to realize how much people sell themself short.
they let people claim that they're friends with them, when they're not.
i know what it's like to have pity friends.
and i know that sometimes, it just feels nice to pretend someone's there.
but in the long run you only wind up being reminded of how alone you felt in the first place.

nothing makes me more sick than people being constantly used, put down, backstabbed, let down or hurt by their "best friend".
losing people isn't easy you know.
and i guess i've learned the hard way.

i think the best feeling is having friends that are always there.
friends that you know you can say anything to at anytime and they will listen.
your stories can be told over a thousand times and they will still listen
and care, too.

i think best friends are people you can confide in.
someone you can say anything to and at the end of the day
they will still take you for who you are.

i think best friends are people who will always forgive you when you say you're sorry
and i think best friends are people who know when you mean it, too.

i think friends are people who know you're not okay by the way you are speaking.
but i think best friends are people who know you're not okay when you're not saying anything at all.

best friends are people who know about all of your struggles and worries.
they are people who don't tell you how to get through them,
because they are right there going through them with you.

no matter how long it takes.

best friends are people who don't just listen to everything you say.
they listen to everything you don't say, too.
which i think sometimes means more.

i think best friends are people who won't leave you or get mad at you
even when you make the same mistakes over and over again
even when they say, "i told you so."

i think best friends will be there every time after you make a mistake.
even if it is just to say, "i told you so." one more time.

for me,
friends are really really important.

in the past i didn't have very many.
so when i did, it was the most comforting thing to know i had someone just to listen.

what i've learned is that i really don't need one hundred friends to be happy.
even just one.

i think if you have just ONE friend that is there for you no matter what.
if you have just one friend that is good enough to be there for you even after saying,
"i told you so." or, "you said you wouldn't do that anymore."

then i really think you've got it all.

burned bridges and the spaces between

i haven't written anything on here in almost three months.
wow.
i really don't like that.

the reason i haven't...
is because i get all of these ideas on what i want to write about
but i never know where i want to start.

not only do i struggle with saying what i want to say...
but i also struggle with knowing how to say it.
when it comes to writing, i am a perfectionist.

anyone who knows me well enough knows that when it comes to writing i am obsessed.
i don't stop writing something until i have filled a page, made my point clear, or have everything perfect.

i think the one thing i've really wanted to write about for the longest time is learning how to accept things you can't change.
i think there is nothing harder than accepting something you can't change and knowing when it's time to walk away.

you can't keep someone in your life if they don't want to stay.
if your bridge with them is burned and they don't want to rebuild
you can't make them.

i think the worst part of letting go of someone is feeling like you weren't worth it for them to stay.
the worst part is when they know you want them to stay, and they see you hurting
and they keep going.

they leave you.
and for the last few months i've spent so much time writing and writing and finding the right words to say to people to make them change their minds and to make them stay.
to make them fix things and make things how they used to be.

and i can't begin to count how many times i have heard,
"you will find someone else."
"the bridge is burned and can't be built again."

but i don't want some else.
and i know the bridge is burned.

and in the same moment i realized i realized i need to let go
i realized the burned bridge had gone and now there is just a space between.

speak now

“Real life is a funny thing you know. In real life saying the right thing, at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything.
I think you deserved to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, I could of but it’s too late now. So there’s a time for silent, and there a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say. You’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait.
I think you should speak now.”

- Taylor Swift

for the first time in my entire life

my definition of "Fearless" had been achieved

a borderline tell-all handwritten letter had been given

writing it was easy, it finally made me feel like i was speaking my mind.

giving it away was scary, the 3 seconds it took me to scribble a name in green sharpie on the front of the envelope was the scariest.

but the scariest and most exhilarating feeling was that the person it was meant for read it.

for the first time i wrote someone who meant something to me a letter

and it wasn't crumpled up and thrown in the back of my closet

or folded neatly and placed into a shoe box.

for me, the hardest lesson i've learned over this last year

is to never let a chance pass you to tell someone how much they mean to you

no matter how much it scares you

or no matter what they might say or do

tell them.

of course the dreaded fear of...

what will they say back?

will they say anything at all?

more often than not you will regret the things you didn't say to someone instead of the things you did.

eventually, one way or another it will come down to you saying...

"I could have told them...but now it's too late."

for the first time i did just that.

and maybe it didn't end the way i always exactly pictured something like that ending.

it could have been better

but it could have also been much much worse.

no matter the outcome

i don't regret it

and i know i would have regret saying nothing at all

so as Taylor Swift as said....

"...if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say. You’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait. I think you should speak now.”

out of reach

can someone please tell me
that i'm not the only person that only wants someone or something they can't have?
especially wanting someone you can't have.

but with both things.

you know you can't.
they have told you.
or you have been told.

but you keep chasing.
you keep chasing someone you'll never catch.
something you'll never get.

people will roll their eyes at me
"You can't have him"
"you can't have that"
but i keep chasing.

sitting. waiting. wishing.

maybe that's just something about me.
i hate when people give up on me so soon.
and i hate when i give up on people.
i keep waiting for a change that won't come.

and isn't it just the worst when either one are just out of reach?
at one point in time, you could have had them. or it. or whatever it is.
but you missed it.

people want you.
they stand there and say so.
or show they do.
and they stand and wait.
even if for a short time.
practically holding their hand out to you saying,
"come on, let's go"

and you sit around wondering if you should go.
and by the time you decide you want to.

they've left.

Imperfection

so it's clearly been awhile since i have used my blog
and several people have been asking why
and to answer your question:
it is because i've been struggling as a writer to get my points across as well as i used to

after tossing and turning for a few weeks about what i want to write about
i think i have finally figured it out
after taking everything i want to say
and narrowing it down to what i want people to hear me say

i have come to this.
Perfection.

i'm in college now
well, a technical college.
and i'd hate to say it but all the changes i was promised

are not here.

it seems that no matter where i am
and no matter where i go
people continue to do their best at pointing out my insecurities

for starters, i am sure all of you who know me, or are friends with me on facebook...
are thinking "oh my gosh, Ashley is so negative"
maybe if you'd listen to what i am saying you'd understand why.

getting my hopes up never ends well
being realistic is considered being negative
not feeling anything at all is "not caring"

it's like i can't win.

no matter how i see or handle a situation...
someone always has something critical to say about how i'm doing it.
the saying "do your thing" and "be yourself" isn't so easy when everyone is breathing down your back.

so i don't take my own advice.
in fact, i barely take any.

i learn from my own mistakes. people can tell me not to do things one million times, and until i find out why i shouldn't ON MY OWN. i'll keep doing it.

it's that "you are purposely hurting yourself" thing...
you all know what i am talking about i am sure.

it's a little hard to be yourself when everybody is telling you and your friends who and what you are.

people always leave.
they find out my flaws.
they don't like them.
they leave.

i got a tattoo in august, it's a tattoo i have always wanted.
"Fearless" is what it says.
so many people have made the comment "that's pointless"
do you know what i love about it so much?

it will stay.

last time i heard, college was supposed to be about finding yourself.
and really all i've found is people who try to tell me who i am.
and who continuously point out what i was already told in high school.
and middle school.
and elementary school.

"So fix it:" they tell me.
they say "Take all the things people point out about you that you don't like...and change them."
and that's what i did.
or tried.

and after months and months of trying.
it's been confirmed that those flaws are still there.
those little things that bother people about me still exist.

"not everybody is going to like you for exactly who you are, ashley"

i don't want everybody, you guys.

i just want somebody.

Patience

patience is a weird thing you know.
something that typically i am not very good at.
for me, patience often means to wait to say something.

waiting my turn to speak has never been easy.
waiting to speak at all, actually.

i used to be one of the most straight forward people i knew.
i would tell someone how i felt about them within a few weeks.
maybe days.
and because of past experiences this year, i thought that i would be even more so like that.

wrong.

over the last few months i can confidently say...
i have become a professional at bottling up my feelings for someone.
i decided that this time, i would let people tell me how they felt instead of me doing the talking.
what i am finding is that i'm learning a lot about patience.
what i'm also finding is that i'm way more patient than i really am.

the thing is, for me...
feelings for people either weaken or strengthen.
and the more that time goes on... typically they get stronger.
but this time around for me...
after waiting this long to hear how someone feels about me...
because i have PROMISED i won't speak first...
i think they're weakening. the problem is.
i don't want them to.

but you know something?

 i'm over it.

an early farewell to high school

it's funny how not too long ago i was telling myself i wouldn't miss high school.
and in the big picture, i don't think i will.
i can't say i was ever treated the best.

and i can't say i got the best grades.
was on honor roll.
got awards.
was the superstar athlete.

in fact, i can't really say much at all.

but after a few months of finding new people to talk to.
and things to do.
i found myself with a group of new friends at a basketball game.

freshman and sophomore year i never went to a single game.
you couldn't pay me to go...
because i would have sat alone.

but with this year now that i've found a place. sort of.
i think i've started to realize something.

if you tell yourself you hate high school.
you will.

it takes so much less effort to just work with what you have than to fight trying to make things better.

i'm sure most of you read that thinking "Duh"

you'll never listen to any lessons people tell you, until you tell them to yourself.

if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

over these last few months i've started noticing all the GOOD things about high school.
and all of the other good things like new friends and the fun things we've done.

a few weeks ago, after a boys state basketball game someone was saying how fun our student section is.
and it really is the most fun place to be during a game.
i thought to myself "man. i can't wait until next year."
there isn't another year here for me.

teachers making announcements about sign ups for traveling abroad.
"sign me up!" i'll think. until i realize i won't be here.

and the few underclassmen i've friended, how i won't see them every day anymore.

so will i miss high school?

okay, maybe a little. :)