out of reach

can someone please tell me
that i'm not the only person that only wants someone or something they can't have?
especially wanting someone you can't have.

but with both things.

you know you can't.
they have told you.
or you have been told.

but you keep chasing.
you keep chasing someone you'll never catch.
something you'll never get.

people will roll their eyes at me
"You can't have him"
"you can't have that"
but i keep chasing.

sitting. waiting. wishing.

maybe that's just something about me.
i hate when people give up on me so soon.
and i hate when i give up on people.
i keep waiting for a change that won't come.

and isn't it just the worst when either one are just out of reach?
at one point in time, you could have had them. or it. or whatever it is.
but you missed it.

people want you.
they stand there and say so.
or show they do.
and they stand and wait.
even if for a short time.
practically holding their hand out to you saying,
"come on, let's go"

and you sit around wondering if you should go.
and by the time you decide you want to.

they've left.

Imperfection

so it's clearly been awhile since i have used my blog
and several people have been asking why
and to answer your question:
it is because i've been struggling as a writer to get my points across as well as i used to

after tossing and turning for a few weeks about what i want to write about
i think i have finally figured it out
after taking everything i want to say
and narrowing it down to what i want people to hear me say

i have come to this.
Perfection.

i'm in college now
well, a technical college.
and i'd hate to say it but all the changes i was promised

are not here.

it seems that no matter where i am
and no matter where i go
people continue to do their best at pointing out my insecurities

for starters, i am sure all of you who know me, or are friends with me on facebook...
are thinking "oh my gosh, Ashley is so negative"
maybe if you'd listen to what i am saying you'd understand why.

getting my hopes up never ends well
being realistic is considered being negative
not feeling anything at all is "not caring"

it's like i can't win.

no matter how i see or handle a situation...
someone always has something critical to say about how i'm doing it.
the saying "do your thing" and "be yourself" isn't so easy when everyone is breathing down your back.

so i don't take my own advice.
in fact, i barely take any.

i learn from my own mistakes. people can tell me not to do things one million times, and until i find out why i shouldn't ON MY OWN. i'll keep doing it.

it's that "you are purposely hurting yourself" thing...
you all know what i am talking about i am sure.

it's a little hard to be yourself when everybody is telling you and your friends who and what you are.

people always leave.
they find out my flaws.
they don't like them.
they leave.

i got a tattoo in august, it's a tattoo i have always wanted.
"Fearless" is what it says.
so many people have made the comment "that's pointless"
do you know what i love about it so much?

it will stay.

last time i heard, college was supposed to be about finding yourself.
and really all i've found is people who try to tell me who i am.
and who continuously point out what i was already told in high school.
and middle school.
and elementary school.

"So fix it:" they tell me.
they say "Take all the things people point out about you that you don't like...and change them."
and that's what i did.
or tried.

and after months and months of trying.
it's been confirmed that those flaws are still there.
those little things that bother people about me still exist.

"not everybody is going to like you for exactly who you are, ashley"

i don't want everybody, you guys.

i just want somebody.